Planning for War

Strategizing for life and happiness is very similar to the methods for winning a war. Strategy is the key component for both planned and spontaneous moments taking us from one point to another. We were having breakfast at the Family Diner just this past Sunday and I overheard a family who seemed to be in the midst of an intervention for their niece, a heroine addict. The tone of their conversation was very encouraging. When asked what her thoughts were for her future, she replied that she believed that everything happens for a reason. The fact that a friend contacted her out of the blue and referred an open job at the local factory felt preordained. The timing and unexpected nature of the opportunity colored it fate in her mind. Calling it all fate was the best, only acceptable way she could cope with the reality of her own poor decisions. In her uncle's attempt to agree with her in order to keep the positivity flowing, he failed to contribute any real wisdom. Her grandfather, a shrunken man over age 80, shook his head and muttered an indecipherable comment. The uncle interpreted it to mean that in grandpa's day, the ideal situation would have been for her to find a nice man to marry and pay her bills. In truth, I believe the 80 year old man probably meant more than this and wanted to give real pearls of wisdom but was paralyzed by the tragedy and apprehensive hope that his granddaughter could escape the drug world and survive the next 20 years being self sufficient. In any case, this last weekend took on a tone of desperation of someone at the brink of loosing total control over her circumstances.

I was visiting with a girlfriend of mine this last week on a play date with our two baby bears. Like all new mothers, it was a matter of time before her bubble of self expectation would burst and she become exposed to her new uncontrolled reality. I've read articles in several parenting magazines that exposed this bubble. Our post baby life is so incongruous with our pre-baby life that all our prior experiences become inapplicable. All of a sudden, it's a lot of chaos. The chaos in fact that never ceases to end. The hardest part is being able to see beyond the fog of self denial and witness the clear picture that we are in the process of changing identity. No one has made the comparison that becoming a parent is like the process of a worm molting into a butterfly. You are no longer your prior self in physical form, though your spirit remains the same but changed. The goal is to regroup and reorient. The goal is to form new goals and get rid of old ones that no longer work.

What's most difficult for us Kohler-Designer moms is the fact that we're not from around here. There is no family support. We're all on our own. Our husbands are the main bread winners and they work at Kohler, one of the most demanding companies ever to exist. Therefore, if we are to succeed in making this picture work we must identify, strategize and attack.

My friend and I talked about our own respective future plans as parents. Possible second babies in near future. How to hasten our husband's metamorphisis into parenthood. How to regain control of our own current life so that we can walk out of our doors more often without so much worry of the uncontrollable. The best thing we got out of our conversations was knowledge that we weren't the only ones going through this and that we weren't going insane as our husbands would have it. it was vindicating to find confirmation for how we've been feeling. Baby steps in the right direction but undeniably steps in the forward direction.

Accepting the Uncontrollable

"Motherhood means accepting the uncontrollable."

Clay had planned a weekend vacation to celebrate our sixth year wedding anniversary in Chicago weeks before he left for London. The thought of traveling 4 to 5 hours from Wisconsin through Chicago city traffic and staying 3 days in an unfamiliar environment sounded like too much work to be fun. In fact, the closer the day came the more I thought about the mountain of things to do: buy a new car seat that faced foward, pack food supply-diaper supply-traveling supply-clothing-toys-medicine for baby, bring bathing suits for everyone since Clay suggested swimming at the hotel pool, bring medicine for Clay's cold, pack Midol and maxi pads for me (just in case), coordinate and drop off the dogs at the kennel, map my way to the hotel, and get out of work early enough to beat rush out traffic.

Sunday night, I was close to a panic attack and wondered if this weekend was going to turn into the year of our divorce with images of travel induced stress causing blow up arguments. I even began making a list of excuses to avoid the trip altogether. I mentioned my concerns generally to a friend of mine who has a little baby as well. She responded with congratulations and well wishes for the trip. And it occurred to me suddenly that I have become the biggest self-defeatist I know. Only seven months ago, baby and I flew to and from California, Pittsburgh and drove 6 hours to Tucson within a three month period. Nothing had stopped me before from spending entire days at the malls and restaurants in Milwaukee with my little k-bear. When did I develop this mental block in my mind with such fear of disaster? Just because things go wrong doesn't mean that disaster is pending. A bad incident can also be a memorable one if you survive it by rolling with the punches. I had to drop the wall completely and allow myself to roll with the punches. Suddenly, I had dreams of authentic Chinese cooking and stylish home decore. By Thursday, I felt like a teenager on her last day of class before spring break.