Accepting the Uncontrollable

"Motherhood means accepting the uncontrollable."

Clay had planned a weekend vacation to celebrate our sixth year wedding anniversary in Chicago weeks before he left for London. The thought of traveling 4 to 5 hours from Wisconsin through Chicago city traffic and staying 3 days in an unfamiliar environment sounded like too much work to be fun. In fact, the closer the day came the more I thought about the mountain of things to do: buy a new car seat that faced foward, pack food supply-diaper supply-traveling supply-clothing-toys-medicine for baby, bring bathing suits for everyone since Clay suggested swimming at the hotel pool, bring medicine for Clay's cold, pack Midol and maxi pads for me (just in case), coordinate and drop off the dogs at the kennel, map my way to the hotel, and get out of work early enough to beat rush out traffic.

Sunday night, I was close to a panic attack and wondered if this weekend was going to turn into the year of our divorce with images of travel induced stress causing blow up arguments. I even began making a list of excuses to avoid the trip altogether. I mentioned my concerns generally to a friend of mine who has a little baby as well. She responded with congratulations and well wishes for the trip. And it occurred to me suddenly that I have become the biggest self-defeatist I know. Only seven months ago, baby and I flew to and from California, Pittsburgh and drove 6 hours to Tucson within a three month period. Nothing had stopped me before from spending entire days at the malls and restaurants in Milwaukee with my little k-bear. When did I develop this mental block in my mind with such fear of disaster? Just because things go wrong doesn't mean that disaster is pending. A bad incident can also be a memorable one if you survive it by rolling with the punches. I had to drop the wall completely and allow myself to roll with the punches. Suddenly, I had dreams of authentic Chinese cooking and stylish home decore. By Thursday, I felt like a teenager on her last day of class before spring break.