Where the Home Is.

I was preparing for trial three weeks ago. Here's how it went. Baby and I were sick the week prior. Finally got over the flu the week of. Daddy had design review and had to work late the entire week of. The weekend of, our friend flew in to stay with us for the coming two months. Daddy and friend hung out the entire weekend while I had to hire a baby sitter to watch baby for 10 hours. The night prior, baby was screaming at me, banging at the door, while I tried to frantically wrap things up with my trial notebook in the bedroom. Finished at 10 p.m. Grabbed baby and calmed her down with a bottle. Baby falls asleep at 11:30 p.m. Meanwhile, daddy is watching t.v. outside. 11:30 pm, I iron my clothes for the next day. Next morning, trial. No breakfast. Too much coffee. I don't know how I got through it.

Sometimes I wonder if the situation is one which truly fosters and support my aspirations. There are times in which it feels like I'm fighting my way out of a box. Clay keeps telling me I should use the coupons for the housekeeper he purchased as a gift for me several months ago. The coupons are good for maybe 6 or 7 visits. Who's going to take care of the house the rest of the days out of the year? I'm burnt out just keeping up with the weekly cooking, dishes, laundry, sweeping, baby sitting, dog sitting, etc. together with work, which amazingly has been bleeding into my weekends. I'm not even working full time.

Once in a while, I'll run into the more successful female attorneys in town who are themselves mothers of young children. In nearly half the cases, the father is the stay at home spouse/parent. He never seems too happy to me either about the current state of his profession. Sometimes I think, deep down inside, all Clay wants is a stay at home wife who will bear his children, cook him dinner, let him alone to enjoy his life, keep his house clean, and be smart enough to have entertaining conversation with. That seems to be the case already now. Lately, I've found myself running up against a wall. On all six sides. I find myself asking again the question of where I'd have the energy and time to do more than I am now. We both want a second child. But I can't foresee the amount of support necessary for me to pursue both my career and a family.

Most of the spouses in this town are stay at home mothers. When I tell Clay about the difficulties of being an out of town Kohler-spouse trying to acheive balance between work and family, he refers me to his female coworkers with infants who are able to work full time and take the kids to swim lessons every week. I don't know what he thinks their lives are like? I don't think he'd be happy with overcooked lasagna or reheated meat loaf every night. What does he think it takes to get him what he's getting when he comes home each night?

I worry. I worry about my future in this town. Clay tells me that I don't realize how easy I have it here. Cost of living being so much greater in the metropolitan areas, not including the commute and the fierce competition (I highly doubt as far as my field of practice goes in this fish bowl of pirranahs I've been practicing in) I'd be lucky if I could even find a job that would accomodate my current schedule. I don't know what my expectations are with a bigger city. I miss the color and energy. I miss being around my own peers. I miss the different options for entertainment. It would be lovely to escape on a pms day like today into a museum with Kaolin for an hour before lunch and find inspiration through some real fantastic art and history. Maybe my career and life options in a larger city wouldn't be much different from what it is here. But I'd feel more connected there. This year marks the fifth year we've lived in this town. Beyond the birth of my daughter having taken place in this town, I still haven't found one real constant thing which connects me...which makes me feel at home. It's sad and I'm desperately trying to find it. The hope is that it is just around the corner and I simply need to work hard enough to get to it.

Going in for the dunk.

I am so tired of life on the cusp. Time finally feels like it's on my side and I'm one step away from controlling my own destiny. How many more questions needs to be answered before I can cash in on some holy points? It's difficult but I have several things juggling which must be aimed flawlessly before the end of this year. I must accomplish them all. There is no room for failure. I pray to God and all my ancestors to help me through. However, the feeling is, this one's on me entirely. This is my final examination. The prize is something even bigger on the other side. Note to self, there's no room for bullshit.

The letter! The letter!

The USPTO's letter finally arrived last Friday. My window period for the exam is going to be between September 9th through December 5th. Today is the 7th and next week I hope to close my first case. As one door closes, the other door reopens. A lot is coming together at the same time. I believe things happen in a certain order for certain reasons. The fact that my application for the exam has been sitting unnoticed on someone's desk for two months has been a blessing in disguised. In that time, I've had the opportunity to manage my first case and accept a part time job teaching legal writing to paralegals. Everything has occurred backwards according to my plans, but the list is still being checked off within the originally planned time frame. Maybe in another year, I'll understand the reason why things happenned in the order that it has.

Meanwhile, Kaolin is turning two years old next Tuesday. I can't believe how proud I am of her. She's not yet two but can already speak in full sentences, has a mind of a precocious teenager, and has fully potty trained herself without anyone's help. Although it remains hard, trying to balance family and work, the fact that I own my schedule and my career entirely is liberating. I think my daughter senses it too. She still attends daycare full time, but that's probably not a bad thing. I see her flourishing socially. When she comes home, she is ready for the next thing and she has my full attention. No computers. No t.v. No cell phone calls. We cook together, eat together, play together, read and sing together, and fall asleep together. It's less time with me, but it's jammed packed full and extra condensed mommy time. Combine this with a full day of socializing, learning and playing, she's really getting double the stimulation most kids get when they're at home with a working parent. It's really impossible to be fair to either your job or your child when you put the two together. Not only are you putting your clients' case at a greater risk for error, your poor child spends the entire day feeling rejected due to your need to work. Talk about developing an inferiority complex and suffering from lack of stimulation. I know how that feels personally. There's no need to put her through it. Things are working out for us so far. I'm thankful.