Where the Home Is.

I was preparing for trial three weeks ago. Here's how it went. Baby and I were sick the week prior. Finally got over the flu the week of. Daddy had design review and had to work late the entire week of. The weekend of, our friend flew in to stay with us for the coming two months. Daddy and friend hung out the entire weekend while I had to hire a baby sitter to watch baby for 10 hours. The night prior, baby was screaming at me, banging at the door, while I tried to frantically wrap things up with my trial notebook in the bedroom. Finished at 10 p.m. Grabbed baby and calmed her down with a bottle. Baby falls asleep at 11:30 p.m. Meanwhile, daddy is watching t.v. outside. 11:30 pm, I iron my clothes for the next day. Next morning, trial. No breakfast. Too much coffee. I don't know how I got through it.

Sometimes I wonder if the situation is one which truly fosters and support my aspirations. There are times in which it feels like I'm fighting my way out of a box. Clay keeps telling me I should use the coupons for the housekeeper he purchased as a gift for me several months ago. The coupons are good for maybe 6 or 7 visits. Who's going to take care of the house the rest of the days out of the year? I'm burnt out just keeping up with the weekly cooking, dishes, laundry, sweeping, baby sitting, dog sitting, etc. together with work, which amazingly has been bleeding into my weekends. I'm not even working full time.

Once in a while, I'll run into the more successful female attorneys in town who are themselves mothers of young children. In nearly half the cases, the father is the stay at home spouse/parent. He never seems too happy to me either about the current state of his profession. Sometimes I think, deep down inside, all Clay wants is a stay at home wife who will bear his children, cook him dinner, let him alone to enjoy his life, keep his house clean, and be smart enough to have entertaining conversation with. That seems to be the case already now. Lately, I've found myself running up against a wall. On all six sides. I find myself asking again the question of where I'd have the energy and time to do more than I am now. We both want a second child. But I can't foresee the amount of support necessary for me to pursue both my career and a family.

Most of the spouses in this town are stay at home mothers. When I tell Clay about the difficulties of being an out of town Kohler-spouse trying to acheive balance between work and family, he refers me to his female coworkers with infants who are able to work full time and take the kids to swim lessons every week. I don't know what he thinks their lives are like? I don't think he'd be happy with overcooked lasagna or reheated meat loaf every night. What does he think it takes to get him what he's getting when he comes home each night?

I worry. I worry about my future in this town. Clay tells me that I don't realize how easy I have it here. Cost of living being so much greater in the metropolitan areas, not including the commute and the fierce competition (I highly doubt as far as my field of practice goes in this fish bowl of pirranahs I've been practicing in) I'd be lucky if I could even find a job that would accomodate my current schedule. I don't know what my expectations are with a bigger city. I miss the color and energy. I miss being around my own peers. I miss the different options for entertainment. It would be lovely to escape on a pms day like today into a museum with Kaolin for an hour before lunch and find inspiration through some real fantastic art and history. Maybe my career and life options in a larger city wouldn't be much different from what it is here. But I'd feel more connected there. This year marks the fifth year we've lived in this town. Beyond the birth of my daughter having taken place in this town, I still haven't found one real constant thing which connects me...which makes me feel at home. It's sad and I'm desperately trying to find it. The hope is that it is just around the corner and I simply need to work hard enough to get to it.