Petals

The bleak white and grey winter and slow spring was like punishment.  And yet  I committed no crime.  I looked around for my circumstance to change, for warmth to arrive.  Purgatory was the background of a plot written by someone else.  I was also an imagined character of another person's plot.  And could not change the weather. 

Then, I changed the background setting of my computer, the moment of a minor hope when the sun showed itself and the weather broke above 40.  Of tulips.  A wild luscious innocent thick scattering of color on the most massive scale exploding in my 360 world of snow.  Safely positioned in the background setting of my 3 dimensional world.  I dare not bring a single red rose into my 360 dimensional life.  My life did not justify the 7 dollars.  Window dressing was good enough. 

Everything else takes precedence, and those did not include a frivolity of a colorful petal.  Nor a hair cut.  Nor the painting of my nails.  Not even a worthy carrot at the end of the stick.  Just reward in the form of the smile of my loved ones from the flavor of food that I cooked, purchased from the money that I had made from the work I slaved over, that took precedence over the color of a flower petal meant only for me. 

I find myself in the inverse, placed there very carefully for many ages of years ago.  Never motivated to leave my corner.  Even now.  I wonder why.  And wonder if it would be better if I should.  Partly fearing the error of my ways if I do.  For the potential waste of time.  Recalling failed ventures and guilty feelings of lost virtue from wasted effort.  Self indulgence in the form of a fruitless type of beauty.  I stare at my screen, wishing I could own a single colorful petal.  Unsure what to do next.