Unconventional Roles

This week Clay is away on a Kohler trip to London for 10 days. I'm not jealous at all because 10 days alone with baby means eating left overs the entire week straight, having total control over the remote and the computer, watching junky reality chick shows in defiant enjoyment, spending weekend time cleaning at my own pace and vegging at my own pace without interruption or interference. I know, you'd think Mr. Hubby was the biggest ogre to dominate a household. Only half true. The other truth of it is my own self imposed rules and restrictions.

The house needs to meet a certain minimal level of cleanliness. I used to expect this 7 days out of the week. I kept that up for maybe a month into our first year of living together. By the end of the stretch, I felt near suicidal while still waiting for him to follow up on a two week promise to wash the dishes. Hmmm. We didn't have a mechanical dishwasher at the time. Lately, I've parred it down to 4 days out of the week, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday, with one week per month off. Usually we have at least one super hectic week per month. Further, it is acceptable that the house be a total wreck on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Those usually follow the busiest days of the week.

When the baby was born, the demands piled on. Many not self imposed. I found myself cleaning nearly 15 bottles and accessories every other day, mixing, labeling, etc. The whole process would eat up 20 to 30 minutes out of my night. This doesn't seem like much, but considering the fact that we would arrive home by 6pm at the earliest and go to bed by 11pm, 30 minutes is a lot of time. K-bear and I would arrive home by 6:30pm. Immediately dropping groceries on the counter, K-bear would eat first. Then I'd start cooking dinner by 7 or 7:30pm. We would eat by 8 - 8:30, clean the dishes by 9pm, prep the bottles around 9 - 9:30, give baby her snack at 9:30, play with baby for 30 minutes on the floor, pick up stray items and get stuff ready for work the next day, put baby to bed between 10:30 and 11. I would have 15 precious minutes to myself which often I would prefer to spend in quiet solitude away from daddy's man-shows or the noise of the t.v. in general. The schedule was so hectic that I found myself skipping showers every other day and giving K-bear a bath only once a week. And I was only working full time on an hourly basis.

All came to a head when my boss proposed I switch to full time salaried billable hours working 5 more billable hours a week than I was currently making. The conflict I felt between the pursuit of my career and the needs of my family suddenly darkenned by the abysmal depth of the question to be answered. Where is the balance? Quickly the ugly word I had been hiding from since becoming a new parent started to lurk beyond the periphery: Compromise. I have been equating this word to failure and counter-survivalism. I had fought hard against three long years of depression in Sheboygan due to the difficulties of establishing my career and social network here. I fought hard to get to where I was and all of a sudden it was moving too fast.

I don't know if because of the traditional roles we play as men and women, husbands and wives that somehow the rising success of the wife is more challenging to a family than that of the husband. We can agree that until recent time, the working world has been a man's world. There should be no debate that if dad decides to head off to the bar and join his boss and coworkers for happy hour, he should do so in order to remain competitive. Never mind that Mr. Boss made the call at 5:30 p.m. or that dad forgot to call mom before 8pm because his cell phone was dead. The source of all their livelihood hinged on this good social raport. It becomes business as usual. Daddy stumbles home, dinner's in the microwave, baby's playing on the floor, t.v. remote's where it always is, and the dogs are all lick ready. All mom really wants to hear at this point is, "Thanks honey, you did a great job with the house and the baby. I really appreciate your hard work. Food's delicious. I'm so glad to be home."

When mom experiences rising success and increased demands from work, I wonder whether it would be acceptable for her to call dad past 7pm to inform him that she is currently at a bar with her co-workers and boss. That she may be snacking on appetizers to avoid drinking on an empty stomach and that she won't be super hungry when she gets home. Just stick the food in the fridge for lunch. She'll be back no later than 8:30. Daddy may have to watch the kids again tonight. It shouldn't be a big deal that she didn't call sooner. After all, the livelihood of the family hinges on this job and she has to do what is expected of her to remain competitive. It's really beyond her control and she should not be punished for complying with the social demands of her job. I wonder which situation would lead to divorce faster.

It was tough figuring out the right decision for myself and my family. How do you say "Thanks but no thanks" to your boss who's offering you a promotion and a raise? What will happen to your reputation in the small legal community of Sheboygan if you move backwards in your first year of introduction. What's a debutant to do? Ultimately I reflected upon the lives of the people I most respected whom I considered to be most successful. I also reflected on the lives of those whom I thought failed in making the right choices in life. In all cases, the right decisions pointed towards the center. The center being based on love and those people whom should be most important in one's life. In mine were my family and my daughter. I needed for them to be the focus of my spiritual center if I had any real hopes for success and balance. The decision then became clear and easy.