Winter's seedlings.

Last night I had a dream that Brian Adams fell deeply in love with me and would send me regular love letters filled with poems and lyrics. In my dream, I was his muse and inspiration and my letters to him were equally beautiful in a more literary way. I wish I could remember the words in the letters exchanged. I just remember how beautifully written and creative they were. I miss something in my life. A romantic kind of beauty. An inspirational kind of energy. Or just beauty. Once again, I have allowed myself to run down to below empty with my mundane routines. Chores, baby, work and the empty breeze. I don't even know what kind of beauty I'm looking for anymore or if it's something I want to work for anyway. Perhaps for once, I just want it to come to me. The weather has been terrible and relentless. Although we have our nascent vegetable and herb garden sprouting by the windowsill in our bedroom, I am ready for the ground in our backyard to ease up and soften under spring's failed promise warmth. I wonder if something as simple as running my fingers through the dirt, transplanting my seedlings to new bedding, and nursing my garden to full blossom is the spiritual healing I need. As of today, winter has won. Even on its way out, it is snubbing its nose at me with a long tail of cold air. I am glad for the longer days and sunlight but don't even feel like openning the door to brave one nerve-filled sting on my skin. These last few weeks, I will become a hermit, under my blanket in my quiet bedroom immobilized until summer's warmth can coax me out of solace.

The year of my burn out.

Today feels the beginning of the day of my burn out. The sun has finally shown its face after a week of being beaten by winter's last stance. Emotionally, I feel shameful as the sun, as beaten by the weather, and as numb as the barely noticeable spring. The "burn out" is now my new excuse, my new phrase for what I've been feeling lately. A month ago, I called it morning sickness. A week ago I called it depression. Two days ago, I called it "reorganizing". What I cannot allow myself to accept is the simple fact that I am pregnant and tired. Owning a business has turned out a bit more challenging than I expected. Perhaps this is the first lesson of entrepreneuralship I am destined to learn. My preconceived notions is that the business entity should be a no brainer. That it should run as an independent machine where you are the tinkerer. What I never even imagined to account for was the 'me' component. A solo business is composed of the business and the business owner. That means, my personal life will affect my business decisions. My business is not sheltered from my physical, mental and emotional state at any time at all. It sounds like a weakness to me. A set back. A virus to an otherwise elegant perfect machine. That is where I am at and have been making up names to cover up the reality that I am slowing my business down. That is the core of my aweful sense of guilt over the past two months. Let's rephrase, I am slowing myself down. Rephrase again, I am slowing down. Question, am I allowed to slow down ever...in a guiltless way? Who's going to give me permission to do so? Who's going to judge me and who ultimately matters in the judging process? I have been making excuses to everyone I encounter, as though asking for their apology and their permission. The person who matters most, my inner psychie, my mother's inner voice inside my brain, says, "you are losing, you are failing." Even when I speak with my mother in our real life conversation, our dialogue sounds near identical to my inner monologue. A series of attempts to make excuses to justify my desire to do nothing for a month or two. I think I need to think about all this some more. Or maybe just make up my mind and say, "Damn it. I am pregnant. This is my baby. This is my business. This is my life. And I am going to take it easy and work part time from now until next year when the baby is born. This is my plan. I am going to enjoy my life for now because this is the best thing for me now."

Thinking out loud.

I wonder how normal it is for a new business owner to feel a bit lost the first year of their start-up. My set up is very simple and straight forward. Yet, it's been difficult to pull the trigger on anything for the past few months due to the fact that I only have half my usual level of energy due to this pregnancy. I want to advertise but fear the possibility of more than one client at a time. I want to work 8 to 9 hours a day but can only pull off 5 or 6. I want to put Kaolin in daycare half time immediately to save money but I can't predict whether I'll be able to obtain a few more patent firm contracts like the one I've been able to establish in Greenbay. Ofcourse, I want to start sending out a wave of contacts around the region or country but haven't had the energy to get past filing my taxes even. The obvious choice here is to file my taxes, send out a wave of contacts and hope to establish at least 2 to 3 more independent contract jobs. If I start getting business coming in starting May, then Kaolin continues with school part time. If by May, it's still as dead as it is now, then she'll be in school part time. I only wish that I could switch her to part time immediately tomorrow since I'm not even working full time anyway and am so worn out all the time. Perhaps I should gather my gutts up out from under my disoriented bowels and do half time with her now and see how things go. It could easily be like this all the way through August (a 50/50 chance of it) or it could get busier but most likely in May or June. I guess that's the better idea then. To go at it backwards. I still can't figure out how to advertise. I really want to get out of the litigation game altogether now and focus on patent law if I can possibly do so. Perhaps some estate planning part of the time to fill the gap. I just don't know when would be the right time to revise my website and change my webpage online. Maybe I really should keep it as a general practice online right now while doing contract work behind the scene according to my original plan and aim for next February as the date when I launch my more specialized business. I am so antsy for it to begin now, it's really hard to wait that long. Maybe the more realistic goal would be for me to have everything set up by August of this year so that I won't have to fuss with it all too much once the baby is born and the few months afterwards. This leaves me with 5 months to train myself in greater detail in the arts of patent prosecution and estate planning, find someone who will create my website for me for a reasonable price, figure out how I want my website to look and the contents within, get up to 5-6 independent contracts set up with patent firms round the country for next year or at least get a comprehensive contact list and start making initial contacts with more professional advertisement, and save enough cash to afford two babies in daycare come October through January. I think that I can do this all on a part time basis over the next 5 months.

Smelling the Flowers

They say to be careful what you wish for because you may just get everything you ask. From the perspective an ant, I've been taking each day's challenge since passing the patent bar the best that I can. Holding on to a twig and watching my step against gail force wind. After the exam in November, I gave myself a little break. Not really. The insane law suit I was handling was wrapping itself up with nasty ugly written closing arguments between opposing counsel and I. The case had been unbelievable, with more drama between me and the other lawyer than between the clients themselves. I blame the other lawyer for his terrible sense of unprofessionalism and not being able to control his inner jerk.

Christmas was a good reprieve. Not really either. Clay insisted that I take my ovulation pills while visiting so the first week of the trip consisted of a very hormonal me at teary odds with my poor mother. But then things eased off when Clay arrived. We finally had the nice mini-winter vacation in a summery place we deserved. Trips to the beach and playing in the sand. Warm evenings walking through the Irvine Spectrum mall with baby in tow. Kaolin watching her first Disney movie with candy and popcorn. Tasty happy hour specials at the Yardhouse restaurant. Interesting exploration of West Coast foodie culture at the Whole Foods in Tustin. A happy Christmas dinner at home with perfectly executed rack of lamb. Guiltless because we were also getting in a good workout at the local Bally's Fitness. And ofcourse, managed to squeeze in a couple of baby making days at a nearby La Quinta. I have been sad since leaving California. Not so much the people, but everything else. The food, restaurants, shops, scenary, entertainment options, my family, the weather, the beach, etc. These days my life has become much more simplified. People play smaller roles in my life by consequence. There is just the scenary and me and our shared experiences. I prefer a wider landscape with a palate of brighter colors to paint with. Not too much to ask for, right?

Clay and I discussed our future. Will we remain in Sheboygan 5 years from now? Will he continue to pursue his career at the current location if the option were there? Big questions at the big 5 year anniversary marker. No matter what the answer to question #2 would be, the answer to question #1 was a definite no for me and a mostly no for him. He teased me of the possibility that Kaolin would grow to love this town and never want to leave, eventually becoming the first woman mayor of Sheboygan County. I nearly had a panic attack over it. His jokes are always half serious. That's why he thinks he's so funny. Because he thinks being ironical is funny. Which only puts me on edge and on warning when he attempts any bad joke. Although he may be ready to buy his gravestone at the cemetary plot 5 blocks away from our neighborhood, I am ready for a change of scenary. Our family will be growing soon enough and we will need a bigger space. In another year or two, the housing market will improve. The hope is to be able to move south, at a minimum closer to Milwaukee.

January came and went and we discovered that we were expecting baby #2. The experience this time around has been so different from the first. The morning sickness has been terrible. I've been more lethargic than ever. Ready to sack out at 3pm every afternoon. I know that it shouldn't be such a mystery why I'm so much more tired. I now have a grown toddler to watch after on top of all other responsibilities. I prep her for school in the morning and care for her after school is over in the evening. I cook, clean, do laundry, care for the dogs half the time, care for husband and baby. On top of this, I openned a small office downtown in February. Doubled up with daily vomiting at 3-5 times frequency, carpel tunnel and constipation misery, I was just dead. What made it all worse was the anxiety of the health of the baby and whether we were having only just one, considering the level of sickness I was experiencing. The guilt of not being able to make it through the day at the office, not being able to get Kaolin to school on time in the mornings, the guilt of not being the super pregnant mom who works a full time shift and cares for the home and family with no complaint because she's blue collar and has no luxery of an option to sleep in. It really got the best of me and by my 12th week 2nd visit at the doctor's, I was in an aweful state of depression.

To my surprise, I felt the weight of a piano lifted from my shoulders upon introduction to our little baby through the ultrasound. Okay, so this is for real and I am pregnant and we are having one child and so far, it is very healthy and active. Half my worries were put to rest immediately that one day. The effect of relief was near immediate. I left my doctor's office still feeling worried but no longer anxious. The morning sickness and carpel tunnel had also just magically lifted by the 12th week leaving little more than bad constipation and acid reflux. I am not as tired as before, though still finding it a challenge to keep energized and focused for the whole week straight. My doctors have been telling me to take it easy during my pregnancy but it's been tough wrestling with my inner professional guilt. I have been raised to work like a machine my whole life. Never to waste an opportunity or a moment's time, except unless only necessary. The thought of working part-time when I am just starting up my own business, paying for full time daycare while using only 3/4 quarters of the service, seems so frivolous that I have a hard time looking my daycare provider and my office mates in the eye.

However, wasn't it the overworking that could have lead to the preecemplsia with the first baby. That almost killed me? I was working 2 jobs the first trimester, then going full swing into full time (plus) during my second trimster, and then full time plus preparation for the Illinois bar exam in my third trimester. When I gave birth to Kaolin, it was like the last leg of a long drawn out marathon that I was determined to cross first. It only landed me back in the hospital the week after with fluids in my lungs and blood pressure that should have killed me.

This time around, I'm going to do things differently and will 'try' not to feel so guilty about it. Afterall, I am my own boss. In truth, I will never allow myself to become too slack for too long anyway. Plus, I can't take on too many cases at this point if I'm to take maternity between August through January anyhow. This year is all about investing in the business and training myself in the art of the practice that I will be focused on next year. I've been calling it a "loss" but my counselor calls it an "investment". Okay, so let's reconsider the language I'm using. I won't be making money this year but the investment of time, market research and study I put into it this year will pay back double next year when I advertise full force. More importantly, I have been given the most amazing gift of all. The gift of time and financial peace of mind. This small window of time is maybe God's way of giving me a little vacation and opportunity to rest before the shit hits the fan next year. It's like the calm cool water on the other side of the break wave. I just need to be more zen about things, take it easy, go with the flow, not force myself into any particular paradigm, and focus on smelling flowers when there's nothing else to do but smell flowers.