The year of my burn out.

Today feels the beginning of the day of my burn out. The sun has finally shown its face after a week of being beaten by winter's last stance. Emotionally, I feel shameful as the sun, as beaten by the weather, and as numb as the barely noticeable spring. The "burn out" is now my new excuse, my new phrase for what I've been feeling lately. A month ago, I called it morning sickness. A week ago I called it depression. Two days ago, I called it "reorganizing". What I cannot allow myself to accept is the simple fact that I am pregnant and tired. Owning a business has turned out a bit more challenging than I expected. Perhaps this is the first lesson of entrepreneuralship I am destined to learn. My preconceived notions is that the business entity should be a no brainer. That it should run as an independent machine where you are the tinkerer. What I never even imagined to account for was the 'me' component. A solo business is composed of the business and the business owner. That means, my personal life will affect my business decisions. My business is not sheltered from my physical, mental and emotional state at any time at all. It sounds like a weakness to me. A set back. A virus to an otherwise elegant perfect machine. That is where I am at and have been making up names to cover up the reality that I am slowing my business down. That is the core of my aweful sense of guilt over the past two months. Let's rephrase, I am slowing myself down. Rephrase again, I am slowing down. Question, am I allowed to slow down ever...in a guiltless way? Who's going to give me permission to do so? Who's going to judge me and who ultimately matters in the judging process? I have been making excuses to everyone I encounter, as though asking for their apology and their permission. The person who matters most, my inner psychie, my mother's inner voice inside my brain, says, "you are losing, you are failing." Even when I speak with my mother in our real life conversation, our dialogue sounds near identical to my inner monologue. A series of attempts to make excuses to justify my desire to do nothing for a month or two. I think I need to think about all this some more. Or maybe just make up my mind and say, "Damn it. I am pregnant. This is my baby. This is my business. This is my life. And I am going to take it easy and work part time from now until next year when the baby is born. This is my plan. I am going to enjoy my life for now because this is the best thing for me now."