it's really hard being a mother. particularly for the first time. trying to get every bit of detail right. and you wish that you had the kind support of your partner sometimes, even if they are participating more from the sidelines. i don't ask for very much in my day or my life. typically, i do my work with natural inner passion for doing things well and getting things done. but a kind word or an encouraging, 'job well done' really tells me that there is a witness out there to my hard work and that i am doing the right things in life. which is why when you get the opposite reaction to what you believe to be good work, it just makes you wonder about the point of your own existence.

i have been working hard the past year to get my daughter to sleep by 9pm. at first, her sleep schedule mirrored ours and it was all over the map. mostly after 11pm and many times by midnight. she also would not sleep in her crib and had to be coddled in our bedroom. a nightmare which i could not figure out how to remedy. as she became more of a toddler and could communicate better, we slowly got into a routine of sleeping by 10:30pm. it seems like we've been sleeping by 10:30 pm for a while, but only recently has she gotten to expect it, ask for it, and would consistently fall asleep on the clock. i have acheived to get her biological clock on a time schedule. tonight, a milestone in my eyes, she fell asleep exactly at 10:30pm and in her own room for the first time. what all went into making this happen? rearranging her bedroom entirely to include a new big girl bed that would fit me in it. that way, i would be laying down with her comfortably and singing her to sleep. it also involved the fact that i'm now switched back to working part time so that i can afford to start cooking dinner at 4pm, feed her by 5pm, bath her by 7:30 pm and start her bedtime routine by 8:30pm. In the past, when i worked full time, i would start cooking until 6pm, feeding her by 7pm, skip the bathing many times, and then start trying to chase down her nervous energy by 9:30pm to which I usually succeeded inconsistently between 10:30 to 11pm.

getting bed time right is hard on another level. from the moment i wake at 7:30 am until the moment i sit down to eat my dinner at 6:30 pm, i am either caring for the baby, the dogs, my husband, the house or my own business. i am also currently 8 months pregnant. the only moments when i am able to relax and enjoy myself, or at least that i would like to, is around 9pm when my favorite t.v. shows are on. i sacrifice so much of my time throughout my entire day for my family, business and home that when 9pm rolls around, it is really hard for me to give up that possible moment of self indulgence. i suppose i could give up my 9pm show also and start the bedtime process an hour earlier for my daughter. perhaps she'd be asleep by 9:30 pm or 10pm. at some point, i will have to get there. but i am alone in this process. i am sacrificing my time all day and it is a very soulfully taxing job. i wish sometimes that i could switch off, take a break, and let someone else take over a couple of nights a week. and since it doesn't work that way, primarily since my daughter prefers me in running the sleep process, i wish that i had more positive words of encouragement each time i reach little milestones in our objective of getting to that 9pm mark. it's an accomplishment for both my daughter and i. in the level of sacrifice i have to make in my day, in my work, in my effort and disclipline, to get to this point. i've peeled yet another layer of skin off my onion peel life to get closer to the point of yes. someone, please just do me a favor and say thankyou for the fact that i even bothered to peel another layer off. throw away that extra work hour. throw away that extra t.v. hour. throw away that extra couch hour. and if you don't agree that falling asleep consistently by 10:30 in her own bed is not good enough, at least lie about it for the sake of a hard working, tired pregnant wife who's managed to create an otherwise perfect life for everyone.