Peddler on the Roof

Life is slow.  When we work, we dream of play.  When we play, we regret not working.  The weather in Wisconsin is a daily reminder that time is never wisely utilized.  I should be at the beach this very moment, etching out claims to two pending applications.  And yet, I am watching reality t.v. online, watching the gecko watching me, finishing up a beer and looking out at my clear blue fading sky.  One thing my Asian parents taught me well was to always work before play.  And now, many times, my heart and spirit is paralyzed with the indecision between what's more important. Time, or health and spirit?  Which will put me further ahead faster?  Which will make me stronger in the long run and not get me in trouble in the short term?  When my girls are here, there is always the good reason that it's for them.  Purely unselfish unadultered good fun and memories.  And time off is time to make up for lost time.

Quietness to me, feels like wasted time.  Particularly unplanned quietness.  And sunlight is always a wasted moment in Wisconsin as long as I am inside an enclosed building.  I cry in my heart over every summer day gone.  If only I could light a bonfire to celebrate the end of every warm day passed.  Quietness without children's laughter, for a parent is lonely solitude.  I understand some people's desires to fill loneliness with false joys.  But the high of something real is always better.  It is now 6:31pm, the sky is grey and perhaps, Lake Michigan is green with bacterial algae.  Perhaps, despite the creeping fall coolness I should pack a notebook and a pen and head to the sand for an hour of patent claim meditation.  Save the 6 pack for later when I feel more accomplished and can waste away bad calories over guiltless pleasures of baking apple tartlets for smiling faces tomorrow.  Not that I am some Prairie Home Housewife.  Just that, even when life is good, the endorphin tank is always a challenge to fill.  Riding a bicycle requires that we never stop peddling.      

Summer

When the breeze passes through
Unsettled feelings flutter their wings
Flattering each other with casual brushes
Having an end effect of comforting caresses
Because there is no other emotion to compare.

Blue turns to pink,
Pink turns violet,
Violet becomes dark
and sunset fades to night.

Sand hill cranes dance to mate,
We light fires in the  night to stay warm,
Lovers hold each other to make a point,
A home is where love is warm. 

Brave Heart

It is Easter Sunday.  And you are by your father's.  Probably enjoying a good morning breakfast with plans to see a rabbit or two today.  I am taking a moment's breath, having coffee and catching up on a few online t.v. dramas.  My heart is a little low on the inside because I miss both your smiles.  So I write you because the thought today has to do with Bravery.  How to be brave and what does it mean. 

It does not mean doing what others tell you or what others think is brave.  It does not mean doing the contrary of what should be done and challenging your sense of fear.  It means, doing what is right when the time comes that needs to be done, even if you are afraid.  Even if the fear has nothing to do with anyone else in the world but yourself.  But knowing that it must be done because the alternative would be untrue and that there is no other way to overcome the circumstance.  Bravery comes usually when you have exhausted most of your options and you must take the choices remaining.  And in the process, you are creative enough to still navigate through it in your own style, peacefully and thoughtfully.  Bravery comes from your heart and therefore, is and should always be driven by love.  The love for life.  The love for others.  The love for family.  And the love for all good things.  Because good things are what makes our lives worth while.  Even bad people who do things that seem evil do so because they believe in something that is good....at least to them that is their value and estimation of it.  But we don't live in a vacuum.  So bravery, as oppose to cowardice, means sacrificing and facing your fears to guide your self and those whom you love and those who love you and those who support all of these things together in a hot air balloon carefully navigated over open ocean with you in the center carrying all that weight.  Because bravery comes from the heart and it is based on love and should always carry other people through to safety.  Cowardice is based from the mind with a lack of the heart and cares only about your own interest and self.  Cowardice saves no one.  At the end of cowardice, you have left your heart behind and all the people that has loved you.  You are on an air balloon on your own because you were not brave enough to take the people who loves you with you.  In the end, you are on an island alone without love even though you thought that was originally what you were fighting for.  You just didn't have enough heart and bravery to do it the right way.  You see, my darlings, there is no short cut around bravery.  As there is no shortcut around love.  If you listen to your heart, and listen very hard, you will know what to do at the right time.  Be brave my love.  We can try to be brave together for each other. 

Pure Wisconsin

Spring has been slow to arrive this winter.  But the grass beneath buried snow surprisingly has maintained some of its greenness and only part of the lawn had died from the cold.  How is that possible?  I don't ask why anymore.  Why am I here in this cold forsaken place, when there are opportunities for year round warm weather.  Even the brown and white contrast of bare earth and snow feels like home these days.  No different than the stark brown dirt of the desert in my past life.
The pureness of nature in Wisconsin is the same pureness I find in my daughters' spirit.  When I feel melancholy on occasion, the land here gives me solace.  Not confusion like the traffic of California highways.  I use to have to drive for hours in circle around the 405 and 55 to find my way always to the open quiet beach and sunset.  Here, the quiet is in my backyard.  In being with my daughters, who seem so happy despite the commotion that's been brought into their lives.  They derive their strength from their home, rooted and durable.   

Hope Springs

Quietness.  Peacefulness.  Burnt ashes.  The house taken to the ground.  I came back to say goodbye.  Touched your skin, you've been painted over.  As though we never met.  In my mind, I see only what you were to me.  Pink walls, pink curtains.  You were the heart, if the heart makes the home.  All I can do is cry for the both of us, all the love and hopes and dreams.  Every inch of you, I say good bye and hold you one last time.  Ask for your forgiveness.  Walking away, letting things go.  Hoping for the best, taking a gamble.  Hope springs from ashes.       

A Short Story

Kaolin was taking a walk one day and stumbled upon a string.
The string was sitting beneath a tree.
It was quiet and alone.
So Kaolin decided to take the string home with her.
On the way home, Kaolin wondered about the string’s family.
Did it have a mommy or daddy? A brother or a sister?
Or was the string alone by herself that day, just like Kaolin?
Kaolin sat down underneath the shade of a tree and stared at the string for quite a long time.
Perhaps they could become friends.
She held the string between two fingers and watched it very closely.
She was hoping that they could become friends.
That maybe the string could tell her a secret that no one else knew
And they would love each other forever.
All of a sudden, the string made a twitch.
A small little twitch that made Kaolin’s heart leap.
Which made the string twitch some more,
To which Kaolin’s heart beat faster.
And the string seemed to know what was running through Kaolin’s heart
For it danced between Kaolin’s fingers ever so slightly,
As if to say, “I love you. You’re my friend forever.”
Kaolin sat for a while, together with her pet string,
Underneath the shade of a tree.
And wondered what it would be like to have a friend in the whole world
Whom she could share secrets with
And who would love her always.

Kindness

A perk to my business is the random invitations by my clients to engage in their special world.  For example, on a late night business meeting near Milwaukee at a metal factory yesterday evening, I was offered the opportunity to operate a heavy machine.  More for me to become intimately familiar with this particular industry.  For now, I respectfully decline the fun distraction but reserved the opportunity to cross it off my bucket list.  Few weeks ago, I was Lincoln Lawyering it through the heart of Wisconsin, my first time in Appleton for another prospective meeting.  It was a gorgeous day for a drive and a chance to discover what the big deal was about Appleton.  In truth, Sheboygan has grown so much that it's surpassed any expectations I could have had for a place I'd want to call home.  These days, I've become zen surfer girl and walk through my days in a dream state.  Between my office with the westerly window, my little rental nest that serves a decent first home, and my favorite cafe, I float on other people's dreams.  I am the modern day Abe Lincoln, making house calls.  Or the constant gardener, tending other people's gardens.  Sometimes, even a surgeon of other people's hopes and dreams gone awry.

We have come a long way.  I have found myself on fluid track.  As the sun makes its way lower in the horizon with the onslaught of fall, the good weather still holds on and I take my girls to the beach each day to draw out our spirits a little longer.  We celebrated Casey's second birthday this past Sunday.  The three of us, surfer girls in the making, beach bumming it on the shoreline of Lake Michigan.  We'll take the beach whereever we can find it.  I helped Casey open her birthday present, Minnie Mouse beach toys.  She has recently discovered her legs and would get into sudden moods for running...away, towards, etc.  It was hilarious recording her chasing a flock of seagulls across the beach.  The Packers were playing that evening, so we had the entire shoreline to ourselves.  Just the birds and us three.     

There is a place where my heart has found soft ground to rest.  Kindness and peace is all I can take, only what I am willing to take.  I try to be more quiet and listen to kind words these days.  I hope to find more of it.