Pure Wisconsin

Spring has been slow to arrive this winter.  But the grass beneath buried snow surprisingly has maintained some of its greenness and only part of the lawn had died from the cold.  How is that possible?  I don't ask why anymore.  Why am I here in this cold forsaken place, when there are opportunities for year round warm weather.  Even the brown and white contrast of bare earth and snow feels like home these days.  No different than the stark brown dirt of the desert in my past life.
The pureness of nature in Wisconsin is the same pureness I find in my daughters' spirit.  When I feel melancholy on occasion, the land here gives me solace.  Not confusion like the traffic of California highways.  I use to have to drive for hours in circle around the 405 and 55 to find my way always to the open quiet beach and sunset.  Here, the quiet is in my backyard.  In being with my daughters, who seem so happy despite the commotion that's been brought into their lives.  They derive their strength from their home, rooted and durable.   

Hope Springs

Quietness.  Peacefulness.  Burnt ashes.  The house taken to the ground.  I came back to say goodbye.  Touched your skin, you've been painted over.  As though we never met.  In my mind, I see only what you were to me.  Pink walls, pink curtains.  You were the heart, if the heart makes the home.  All I can do is cry for the both of us, all the love and hopes and dreams.  Every inch of you, I say good bye and hold you one last time.  Ask for your forgiveness.  Walking away, letting things go.  Hoping for the best, taking a gamble.  Hope springs from ashes.       

A Short Story

Kaolin was taking a walk one day and stumbled upon a string.
The string was sitting beneath a tree.
It was quiet and alone.
So Kaolin decided to take the string home with her.
On the way home, Kaolin wondered about the string’s family.
Did it have a mommy or daddy? A brother or a sister?
Or was the string alone by herself that day, just like Kaolin?
Kaolin sat down underneath the shade of a tree and stared at the string for quite a long time.
Perhaps they could become friends.
She held the string between two fingers and watched it very closely.
She was hoping that they could become friends.
That maybe the string could tell her a secret that no one else knew
And they would love each other forever.
All of a sudden, the string made a twitch.
A small little twitch that made Kaolin’s heart leap.
Which made the string twitch some more,
To which Kaolin’s heart beat faster.
And the string seemed to know what was running through Kaolin’s heart
For it danced between Kaolin’s fingers ever so slightly,
As if to say, “I love you. You’re my friend forever.”
Kaolin sat for a while, together with her pet string,
Underneath the shade of a tree.
And wondered what it would be like to have a friend in the whole world
Whom she could share secrets with
And who would love her always.

Kindness

A perk to my business is the random invitations by my clients to engage in their special world.  For example, on a late night business meeting near Milwaukee at a metal factory yesterday evening, I was offered the opportunity to operate a heavy machine.  More for me to become intimately familiar with this particular industry.  For now, I respectfully decline the fun distraction but reserved the opportunity to cross it off my bucket list.  Few weeks ago, I was Lincoln Lawyering it through the heart of Wisconsin, my first time in Appleton for another prospective meeting.  It was a gorgeous day for a drive and a chance to discover what the big deal was about Appleton.  In truth, Sheboygan has grown so much that it's surpassed any expectations I could have had for a place I'd want to call home.  These days, I've become zen surfer girl and walk through my days in a dream state.  Between my office with the westerly window, my little rental nest that serves a decent first home, and my favorite cafe, I float on other people's dreams.  I am the modern day Abe Lincoln, making house calls.  Or the constant gardener, tending other people's gardens.  Sometimes, even a surgeon of other people's hopes and dreams gone awry.

We have come a long way.  I have found myself on fluid track.  As the sun makes its way lower in the horizon with the onslaught of fall, the good weather still holds on and I take my girls to the beach each day to draw out our spirits a little longer.  We celebrated Casey's second birthday this past Sunday.  The three of us, surfer girls in the making, beach bumming it on the shoreline of Lake Michigan.  We'll take the beach whereever we can find it.  I helped Casey open her birthday present, Minnie Mouse beach toys.  She has recently discovered her legs and would get into sudden moods for running...away, towards, etc.  It was hilarious recording her chasing a flock of seagulls across the beach.  The Packers were playing that evening, so we had the entire shoreline to ourselves.  Just the birds and us three.     

There is a place where my heart has found soft ground to rest.  Kindness and peace is all I can take, only what I am willing to take.  I try to be more quiet and listen to kind words these days.  I hope to find more of it. 

By The Light Of The Moon

The Lunar festival was this past week, two days ago.  We celebrated Kaolin's Chinese birthday quietly, opening presents from family in California.  Playing tea party.  Ending the night exhausted with a few games of Mancala, as I observed her mind discovering the art of strategy.  My girl is now a little girl, and I am still her love.  At Glas Cafe this week, catching a short live performance of some traditional Irish music, she asked politely to walk downstairs and sit by herself.  However, I was allowed to watch her from the loft above.  And she was her own muse.  A fluttering heart.  Too young for boys to notice, but I know that she will be breaking hearts soon.  Hopefully not too much of her own.  Casey is just a budding leaf, light green and full of sunshine.  Not yet two, she whistles where she walks.  She brings me my glasses, phone and shoes every morning ready to help me greet the day.  She is my light and my fierceness.  Kaolin is my heart and my soul.  We've been walking by the light of the moon these days. 

Driving Sideways

The morning after gave me no sense of eruption or free fall into guilt and sadness.  Rather, at least up until today, it feels more like paying up on a debt.  The breaks on life is lifted.  I am my own agent where success and failure is mine to own.  My girl asked me this morning why I keep having to repeat myself with her regarding my reasons for this transition in life and the constant attempts to reassure her of my affection.  Apparently, she already knows where I stand and I don't have to say it too many times.  A few times is enough.  The rest is what it is.  The tao of a four year old.  I am taking a lesson in my own book regarding karma.  That is, our children cannot move forward beyond life's obstacles until their parents move beyond their own.  At this point, it's time to move forward, avoid the drama and live for tomorrow and all it has to offer.  There was much that had been gained in the past but for good reason, had to end.  At this moment, it's time to let go of the ashes and proceed.  Good people are waiting for us to carry on.  Sometimes, we must move sideways at a hard right angle to get to the next forward moving track.       

A Summer To Remember

Dear Honey,

I'd bought you a little drawing book this weekend.  In it were stensils of stylish clothing wear and stickers of accessories for my blossoming designer.  I flipped through it tonight and admired your art work.  I am not completely surprised but simply impressed by your budding sense of style and your ability to translate it on paper.  Just like me, we seem to be better on paper. 

Tonight, as I dropped you and your sister off at Lota's, you said to me that you were afraid.  Afraid of missing me too much this weekend.  After all the ups and downs this week as we recovered through your tonsil surgery, you still had it in you to tell me you loved me and that you missed me.  Do you know that I feel the same way?  About you and your sister? 

As an adult, you'd expect that I would have it figured out enough by now to keep things secure for you.  But I am trying to answer questions still which seems so selfish but I say to myself that it's in the hopes that I can answer them for you along the way. 

Sometimes, when time is short, we try to make up for it however best we can.  This week has been a summer to remember.  I hope you never forget it either.  Beaching out on the sand, catching dead fish, building sand castles and filling up our spiritual tanks.  I still have that one fish you caught sitting in your sister's sippy cup.  It may stink up before the end of week.  But it's quite a sight at the moment, on my window sill, with your little flower that we planted in the pot.  Thank you so much for the seeds that you sewed in my other pots that you left in my garden.  You are a mother's dream and my blessing.  You and your sister are my angels and fairies. 

If you were wondering, I miss you too.