Who? What?

What is a perfectionist? Is it someone who desires to control every detail of their environment and life? That's an impossible task. Is it someone who makes an art of controlling uncontrollable chaos? With a lot of compromise to the little details that may matter. Lately I've been looking at myself in the mirror, feeling half proud about my recent weight loss but also a little depressed about the bags under my eyes. I look completely worn out and aged. From emotionally draining stress, from defiency of fun, from lack of good shopping and poorly fit clothing. Which hits me when I meet moms my age or a little older around town who look completely gorgeous, glossy lipped, flawlessly made up skin, shiny perfectly sculpted hair, soft tender hands, awesome intelligent personality, super stylish...I wonder what amount of energy and time it takes to look that way and keep looking so perfectly that way. I know that image is an important part of the business I'm in I have to look "put together". But with everything that takes up my time and day, it's a tall order. Waking up at 7am to get babies ready for the day, heading to the office with infant in tow, all the work I have to do to get my business ready for launch, heading home every day at 4pm to cook dinner, picking up my preschooler at 5:30 pm, feeding family, cleaning dishes, bathing babies, cleaning house and/or laundry, caring for dogs, finding time to shower, putting my preschooler to bed, nursing the baby throughout the day. I'm usually not done till around 11:30p.m. - 12:30a.m. at best. I'd be lucky to have just 15 minutes in the evening to sit down over a quiet glass of wine. I feel lately that I've just been managing chaos, juggling insanity. I feel like it's been like this for a while. I've become the grey grid line on a grid sheet supporting the drawings on it.

Darle a la luce.

The Italians have a saying, "Darle A La Luce." "To Give To the Light." My second daughter was born October 1, 2011. Welcome to the world Casey Quynh Garrels. We are blessed to have you in our lives.

Today my daughter turns 3. I can't believe how time flies. She is no longer a baby but is a self declared big girl. Just last year exactly to date, I posted on my facebook page the following comment, "My baby turns two today! Two year accomplishments: sleep in own bed, drink from a cup, count from 1 -10, recall letters a-z, learned all the colors, recognize half the shapes, switched over to pull ups, and completely potty trained herself. Siggghhhh. I don't think she needs me anymore. 8(" This year's accomplishments, "count into the 20's, add and subtract, recognize letters and write the word 'Mom', draw actual characters, sleep on time and in own bed, watch an entire movie at the movie theater, and have full on silly adult conversations."

She's amazing. What lucky parents we are. In the back of mind are the dark fears of those early teenage years. Dear God, I hope we all skate by them quickly with few shallow scars. For now, I'm holding her tightly to my chest and squeezing out every possible lovable kiss and hug I can get like a chintzy novice gamer playing Mario Brothers for the bean counting pleasure of it. I may not be blessed with money, but my family is amazing and I have to thank God every day.

This second little one is also about to arrive soon too. Hopefully not today because I can't imagine splitting the difference between a Dora themed birthday party and a Hannah Montana birthday party. It would just never work out. I am a bit scared anticipating the pain, the labor and the possibility of things going wrong again. I've drafted a will, am in the process of adding more money to my life insurance policy, and will be preparing my power of attorney tonight.

My mother told me that in the old culture, a baby will bring a certain karma to the child's family. If it's good, then it's very good. This past year, everything seemed to have happenned all together with the pregnancy. The business has been going well and has proven itself to me. Even if no profit has been made, I am excited over the fact that I've had consistent clientelle period. My reputation has been good in the area of patent law so far. I'm building value through advertisement at this point and we'll see how the next year will be for us. Meanwhile, I had a product idea which looks very promising and it seems that we are closer to realizing something very interesting than may be apparent. Clay is also on a similar track and I'm crossing fingers and toes and hair now. Oh gosh, the imaginary finish line in my mind all this time was to get to this point by the time the baby arrives. The next marker would be the beginning of next year. We'll see how it all goes. Meanwhile, I'll live on hugs and kisses.

it's really hard being a mother. particularly for the first time. trying to get every bit of detail right. and you wish that you had the kind support of your partner sometimes, even if they are participating more from the sidelines. i don't ask for very much in my day or my life. typically, i do my work with natural inner passion for doing things well and getting things done. but a kind word or an encouraging, 'job well done' really tells me that there is a witness out there to my hard work and that i am doing the right things in life. which is why when you get the opposite reaction to what you believe to be good work, it just makes you wonder about the point of your own existence.

i have been working hard the past year to get my daughter to sleep by 9pm. at first, her sleep schedule mirrored ours and it was all over the map. mostly after 11pm and many times by midnight. she also would not sleep in her crib and had to be coddled in our bedroom. a nightmare which i could not figure out how to remedy. as she became more of a toddler and could communicate better, we slowly got into a routine of sleeping by 10:30pm. it seems like we've been sleeping by 10:30 pm for a while, but only recently has she gotten to expect it, ask for it, and would consistently fall asleep on the clock. i have acheived to get her biological clock on a time schedule. tonight, a milestone in my eyes, she fell asleep exactly at 10:30pm and in her own room for the first time. what all went into making this happen? rearranging her bedroom entirely to include a new big girl bed that would fit me in it. that way, i would be laying down with her comfortably and singing her to sleep. it also involved the fact that i'm now switched back to working part time so that i can afford to start cooking dinner at 4pm, feed her by 5pm, bath her by 7:30 pm and start her bedtime routine by 8:30pm. In the past, when i worked full time, i would start cooking until 6pm, feeding her by 7pm, skip the bathing many times, and then start trying to chase down her nervous energy by 9:30pm to which I usually succeeded inconsistently between 10:30 to 11pm.

getting bed time right is hard on another level. from the moment i wake at 7:30 am until the moment i sit down to eat my dinner at 6:30 pm, i am either caring for the baby, the dogs, my husband, the house or my own business. i am also currently 8 months pregnant. the only moments when i am able to relax and enjoy myself, or at least that i would like to, is around 9pm when my favorite t.v. shows are on. i sacrifice so much of my time throughout my entire day for my family, business and home that when 9pm rolls around, it is really hard for me to give up that possible moment of self indulgence. i suppose i could give up my 9pm show also and start the bedtime process an hour earlier for my daughter. perhaps she'd be asleep by 9:30 pm or 10pm. at some point, i will have to get there. but i am alone in this process. i am sacrificing my time all day and it is a very soulfully taxing job. i wish sometimes that i could switch off, take a break, and let someone else take over a couple of nights a week. and since it doesn't work that way, primarily since my daughter prefers me in running the sleep process, i wish that i had more positive words of encouragement each time i reach little milestones in our objective of getting to that 9pm mark. it's an accomplishment for both my daughter and i. in the level of sacrifice i have to make in my day, in my work, in my effort and disclipline, to get to this point. i've peeled yet another layer of skin off my onion peel life to get closer to the point of yes. someone, please just do me a favor and say thankyou for the fact that i even bothered to peel another layer off. throw away that extra work hour. throw away that extra t.v. hour. throw away that extra couch hour. and if you don't agree that falling asleep consistently by 10:30 in her own bed is not good enough, at least lie about it for the sake of a hard working, tired pregnant wife who's managed to create an otherwise perfect life for everyone.

It's been a cool summer this year. Some would say that summer never arrived and that we're already in the midst of fall. The belly is growing with no name yet to agree on but I had my first dream of this chubby spirited little girl in dancing clothes stealing mommy's make-up and attention. Kaolin has reached a new milestone in her life, now attending a new more advanced preschool. This morning, she fulfills her daddy's dream and takes her fishing rod out for a first throw of the reel into a local pond. I see a father-daughter tradition in the works reminiscent of "A River Runs Through It".

The transition to the new school was harder than I expected, with mixed emotions flying from both Kaolin and myself. It's a school now, not much a kumbaya daycare environment. There is little coddling involved, which tears me up inside knowing how much she's missing the hugs and kisses of Ms. Claudette and Ms. Vickey. We've attempted to heal the morning separation wounds with ice cream at the end of each day. We talk about the scariness of the new environment, the difference between her old and new teachers, and about being brave. As I cross each day off on my mental calender, with lots of prayers that it gets better for her, she amazingly pulls through and now seems to begin the adjustment. What a brave example for her mommy, who was ready to pull her out of the new school entirely from the torture of her first week's misery. I am so proud of my little girl. You see the strength grow in her from overcoming the toughest challenge in her little life so far. At home, she has become noticeably more independent, responsive and responsible. If all goes well as I hope, then perhaps I can pat myself on the back for being a good mommy afterall.

Work has also been an epiphany in my life as well. I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that I am now working for myself and will possibly never answer to another person again. The distance I travel in my own career will be directly reflective of my own effort and skill. It's such a different route, one which I had always anticipated but only after I'd done the traditional work for another person. Doing it so early makes me feel a little like a rogue warrior. Or like a dog who's been let off the leash, having to direct itself for the first time on its own instinct and experience. I have been very fortunate these past few months with regular customer calls without having even advertised yet. It's hard to shoot far when you're expecting a child in less than 4 months. For a while, I felt paralyzed standing in the middle of a crossroad. Family and health versus business. Though I'm still struggling with the inner instinct of hitting the ball hard, I'm intentionally lobbing soft ones right now. Enough to sustain the game until next year. The anticipation game is stressful half the time. But I am grateful for my good fortune, the regular clientelle, and the ability to take it easy with my family during the better part of the season.

Much Needed Vacation

As the belly grows, my desire to work at the office wanes. It's an aweful irony how much I wanted the office to get started and now I just want to focus on one thing at a time...the pregnancy first. My daily goals are distracted by weather, daycare issues, and simply feeling blaahhh all the time. The constriction of my tight pre-pregnancy pants is making me wonder if my baby will be born with a belt line around her forehead. But there's not enough time or money to go shopping for ugly maternity clothes. How do professional women maintain their professional look during pregnancy? I leave the house looking like I've just undergone shock therapy each morning. Our family needs a vacation badly. Clay's leaving to Shanghai for nearly 2 weeks this coming Friday. Though it will be intense work, he'll be having a lot of fun and it will be the needed vacation get-a-way he's been needing. My parents will be in town the week that he's gone. Perhaps I should turn it into a mini-vacation for Kaolin and I too. My brain is clogged from winter cob-webs. In dire need of sunshine and fun.

Globalizing Sheboygan

It's strange to me how much our town has evolved over the past two to three years. Just this past month, the first sushi restaurant since the history of man-kind in Sheboygan County appeared on our doorsteps. There was a lot of talk, and many curious visitors, but in the end, I think it only got a luke warm reception. Not so much because it served raw fish. God knows how many modern blooded Americans live in Sheboygan to sustain the one and only sushi restaurant within a 60 mile radius. Sadly, it's to do with the poor business judgment of the owner in his choice of staff, his choice of not changing the decor since the last 2 failed owners, etc. We arrived at this restaurant two weeks ago and were reminded by its past failures. It was hard to sustain my appetite with the surrounding tacky decor. Wrinkly heavy-blanket looking kimono in the back of the restaurant with a price tag. In fact, every piece of decor (including the bathroom decoration) has a price tag on it. The owner must have contracted with the antique dealer next door to decorate for free in exchange for free advertisement. What a terrible business idea. I felt practically insulted in every way for all Japanese in the world and sushi lovers over the low quality cleanliness of this restaurant, the tackiness of service, and the manner of preparation of food. So sad. My friend Gaelle is already counting down the days of its closing. I try to be optimistic, but who can be optimistic these days when a Festival Food Market is openning down the street from us this fall.

Festival Foods, bigger and better than Wholefoods possibly. With a full on sushi bar and a free daycare service while you shop. WTH!? Are we really ready for it? Our neighbors just recently bought their headstones last month. I wonder if they should have held off for a little longer with all the exciting change that's taking place in this town. Gaelle just posted yesterday that they're even openning an Ulta Make-up Salon next to Target this fall. This is the big rival to Sephora, serious luxury. By next year, Sheboygan women will have absolutely no excuse to walk out their doors frumpy and without make up.

There have been some recent modern additions to Sheboygan over the past year that have received a great deal of skeptism, like the Bed Bath and Beyond and the Starbucks. I recall the openning week of Bed Bath and Beyond, a man commented that he could easily make his own knife block in his own garage for cheaper. We live in a blue collar factory town surrounded by farms. Despite the odds against Bed Bath Beyond, they are still standing with their heads held high while their sister stores in California are closing left and right. Meanwhile, Starbucks have multiplied like a virus in Sheboygan. People from even further outlying counties will drive near an hour to shop at the shops in Sheboygan County. Shops they've only heard of through television advertisements but are yet to see in the flesh. Like a few of my contemporaries here in Sheboygan who will drive for over an hour for the quality shops and the Olive Garden in Appleton County. This is Wisconsin for you. We are a pearl necklace of small towns strung loosely together by a few country roads and highways. How a railway transit system would change the economy of this state entirely.

While contemplating the souls who brave entrepreneuralship in Sheboygan County, I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of my business grand openning this week. The next two years are looking much brighter than even I could have predicted. 8)