The three of us girls shuffled into the car in the pending moments of dusk. Not yet 6pm but darkness was already surrounding us. Daddy's out of town for business. I had cobwebs in my brain and found myself driving around the south side of town finding my way to a place, any place that served a decent ribeye - medium rare over a Sheboygan hardroll. Marjele's had a 30 min wait...even on a Wed night!!! F**^&&!!! K suggested we head to Bill's. Well, somehow we ended up at the Mucky Duck.
From cobweb to cobweb, we entered the quiet solitude of Wednesday night restaurantuering Sheboygan style. The only customer was an old man eating soup hunched over in solitude. The rest composed of owner and staff by the bar whom, it turns out to be the parents of Ms. Melissa (K's teacher), who was there to greet us at the door with a giant warm hello and hug! I guess it was meant to be. We had the whole restaurant to ourselves, a 30 minute parent teacher conference, a seat by the window overlooking the night sky and the pier. Dim lighting was a balm to a long harsh day and the loneliness of dining without dad. (Clay's on business in Jersey). K even had an entire audience by the bar admiring her silliness.
I have become a regular of the Sheboygan ribeye sandwich. I've come to know enough people in town to know people at nearly every establishment I enter...people that I know from other
places originally. I have stories about every corner store, every corner restaurant, every restaurant owner, etc. The northside pier has a feeling of comfort to me like home. Tonight it really sunk in me spiritually that I have blended into this city. My heart is beginning to root in Sheboygan. I only wonder if fate feels the same way about it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Happy Birthday Happy Birthday
Today Casey turns 1 year old. A healthy rambunctious little tom boy who doesn't take no for an answer. Kaolin turned 4 years old two weeks earlier, a dainty princess going on 14. From a mild winter through an intense and glorious summer, this past year has been about reaching as far as we can go and experiencing good weather.
Five years ago, I had a plan. Quit my job, become a patent attorney, have a second baby, start my own practice, create and market a new invention. With a lot of luck, I have two of the most wonderful little girls in the world in my life. Every night when we prepare for bed, as I watch them roll around together, wrestling and laughing until they fall into quiet tranquility, it's hard to believe that not long ago, both each came out of me. They are little reflections of me, in all their faults and good qualities. Motherhood has become the center of my life. Lately I've wondered about my mother at this stage of her life and my impressions of her and my father's relationship at that time. There was an earlier moment when she seemed very content, energetic and happy. When we were still very young and were easy to control. But as our lives became more complicated, my parents taking on a failing restaurant business, both working two jobs every day, not seeing each other but for brief moments asleep in bed in the darkness between first and second shifts, my mother became more unhinged while my father became more quiet and reactive. As little ones, we really were aware and tried not to place too much emotional demands on our parents. In the asian culture, children generally shouldn't expect that anyway. However, reflecting on those years when my parents worked so hard and suffered so much over issues of finance, the memories were not happy. The memories of our family was not very happy. There were not many moments of joy and piece. I truly fear that side coming out of me.
Doing it on my own has posed many challenges. Trying to maximize time while avoiding the squeeze against the clock. I've decided to invest in a housekeeper, pay for laundry service once a month, eat out twice a week, hire a part time intern, buy an eliptical, etc. All this really helps in keeping my sanity. I know I need extra help when I feel the panic attack set on.
Lota and I are starting a business together. Selling two new products on Etsy. We may have to farm out the work sooner than later, but it has been very exciting. I am not afraid of the time commitment, but do worry that we can't handle it all on our own. We're putting ourselves to the test and seeing how our ideas pan out in the market. We call ourselves Two Wives. I owe every bit of this business to many afternoons sitting on my mother's bed next to her sewing machine, watching korean soap operas in the background while chatting with her about our daily lives in the foreground....my mother sewing away on consigned products and me sheering away at the extra pieces of strings for a cleaner final product. It had always been about two women from the start.
Five years ago, I had a plan. Quit my job, become a patent attorney, have a second baby, start my own practice, create and market a new invention. With a lot of luck, I have two of the most wonderful little girls in the world in my life. Every night when we prepare for bed, as I watch them roll around together, wrestling and laughing until they fall into quiet tranquility, it's hard to believe that not long ago, both each came out of me. They are little reflections of me, in all their faults and good qualities. Motherhood has become the center of my life. Lately I've wondered about my mother at this stage of her life and my impressions of her and my father's relationship at that time. There was an earlier moment when she seemed very content, energetic and happy. When we were still very young and were easy to control. But as our lives became more complicated, my parents taking on a failing restaurant business, both working two jobs every day, not seeing each other but for brief moments asleep in bed in the darkness between first and second shifts, my mother became more unhinged while my father became more quiet and reactive. As little ones, we really were aware and tried not to place too much emotional demands on our parents. In the asian culture, children generally shouldn't expect that anyway. However, reflecting on those years when my parents worked so hard and suffered so much over issues of finance, the memories were not happy. The memories of our family was not very happy. There were not many moments of joy and piece. I truly fear that side coming out of me.
Doing it on my own has posed many challenges. Trying to maximize time while avoiding the squeeze against the clock. I've decided to invest in a housekeeper, pay for laundry service once a month, eat out twice a week, hire a part time intern, buy an eliptical, etc. All this really helps in keeping my sanity. I know I need extra help when I feel the panic attack set on.
Lota and I are starting a business together. Selling two new products on Etsy. We may have to farm out the work sooner than later, but it has been very exciting. I am not afraid of the time commitment, but do worry that we can't handle it all on our own. We're putting ourselves to the test and seeing how our ideas pan out in the market. We call ourselves Two Wives. I owe every bit of this business to many afternoons sitting on my mother's bed next to her sewing machine, watching korean soap operas in the background while chatting with her about our daily lives in the foreground....my mother sewing away on consigned products and me sheering away at the extra pieces of strings for a cleaner final product. It had always been about two women from the start.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Real Housewife
When the movie, "Motherhood" came out on video, I anxiously plugged it in, PJs on and bottle of wine ready for the moment. The moment that Hollywood and the world tells my story, my life. I wanted to laugh and cry and say, "See! I told you so! I'm not crazy. Enough moms go through this, that's why they've made a movie about it."
Well, it didn't turn out that way. Uma Thurman, already stick thin like she hadn't eaten in two years, just looked like a crazy woman wilderbeast as she pretended to mimick a mom of several children fumbling over car seats, strollers, etc. She was always on the brink of disaster which is really unfair to hard working moms who are always a few steps above this. The movie tried to capture the realities of motherhood but it failed to capture the real heart of it. In truth, motherhood is more about women who are always just a few steps behind perfection and feeling so guilty and lost by this.
Often lately, I've been feeling like time is slipping away. Like I had stopped at a train track 10 years ago and gotten on the wrong train, leaving beauty behind. To those on the outside, it looks like a lot of self pity. But for those on the inside, its a survival hunt for the silver lining. For me, I just want a return to my earlier sense of self. Driving to Walmart this past weekend, two kids in the back seat, the radio on, no other place to be but a desire to get out of the house, nothing else more exciting in a town but weekend congregations at Walmart, Beth Orton takes over on the radio and I slip into the late 90's, under a different skin for the duration of the song, feeling music, art, exploration and creativity, qualities that I thought had defined me back then.
Well, it didn't turn out that way. Uma Thurman, already stick thin like she hadn't eaten in two years, just looked like a crazy woman wilderbeast as she pretended to mimick a mom of several children fumbling over car seats, strollers, etc. She was always on the brink of disaster which is really unfair to hard working moms who are always a few steps above this. The movie tried to capture the realities of motherhood but it failed to capture the real heart of it. In truth, motherhood is more about women who are always just a few steps behind perfection and feeling so guilty and lost by this.
Often lately, I've been feeling like time is slipping away. Like I had stopped at a train track 10 years ago and gotten on the wrong train, leaving beauty behind. To those on the outside, it looks like a lot of self pity. But for those on the inside, its a survival hunt for the silver lining. For me, I just want a return to my earlier sense of self. Driving to Walmart this past weekend, two kids in the back seat, the radio on, no other place to be but a desire to get out of the house, nothing else more exciting in a town but weekend congregations at Walmart, Beth Orton takes over on the radio and I slip into the late 90's, under a different skin for the duration of the song, feeling music, art, exploration and creativity, qualities that I thought had defined me back then.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I Put My New Shoes On and Everything's Gonna Be Alright
It's beautiful outside and here I am with self imposed imprisonment inside this tiny hotel room in downtown Chicago. I'd promised Kbear that I'd search heaven and earth endlessly for the perfect package of blue pretend food that you'd have to tear the edge off to release a powder substance that would have to be mixed with water in order to feed her hungry needy babies. They really need it. It's only 6:30 and I haven't even spied one NATO protestor in two days of walking back and forth from my conference to my hotel. There is this feeling of having my tail between my legs today that keeps me from being more adventurous this evening. It started this morning when I missed the 7am alarm and didn't have enough time to wash my hair. It's partly from my over expanded breasts badly in need of a good pump. Pumping helps relieve pressure and avoid embarrassing glances from men who have no concept of nursing mothers. Perhaps there is a tiny bit to do with today's questionable wardrobe choices. I've also been really dissappointed with the quality of the local food and am afraid of further disappointment if I decide to go on a culinary hunt for good pastry tonight. Mostly, there is this feeling of not fitting in. Having lived in Sheboygan for now going 7 years, I've become Sheboyganized. There is this inner desire for things that are small, more local, affordable, within reach. And yet, I reject that same sentiment from my core constantly. Even now. I'm so confused. Perhaps it's better just to make a decision at this point and stick with it. It's 6:38 p.m. Gonna put on my walking shoes.
Friday, May 11, 2012
There are two fortune cookie quotes messily stuck to my lap top base. One says, "Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see the stream," the other says, "In dreams and in life, nothing is impossible." They are daily reminders to me that the bet was worth taking. I'm still breathing so the bet's still on the table.
I should be researching right now, or reading training material, or prepping advertisements. Maybe even some light mindless prototyping work. But overnight, the weather has gone from 62 to 74 and it's not yet noon on Friday. I want to find and outdoor pool to swim in, jog a couple of miles with my dogs, find a shade under a friendly beer garden. I want to play hookie for the day and have beer o'clock with my husband. At least one of these things I hope to do so that the beautiful weather would not be wasted.
At the moment, time feels like it is on a rare moment of good balance. So I perch myself on top of hill's edge, drink in the fresh air, feel the vibration of life sink in because there is not much to think about. My heart is filled with love for the day, love for my daughters, love for my husband and love for good feng shui at my new office.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Young Woman and the Sea
Today I took a cab with the kids to pick our car up from the dealership. Our cab driver was a woman in her forties. The deep lines on her face told a story of a long time smoker who's delt with a lot in life. But she was very easy going in nature. I think her mind must have been heavy with thought about something for a while Midway through the drive, she jumped into conversation as though we were long time friends, as though resuming a past conversation that had been accidentally cut off. "So I spoke to my mom the other day. She's planning on moving to West Virginia. She's got family out there and wants to stay for a few months. I think I might go with her..."
It was strange to meet a local person from Sheboygan who felt trapped by this town. Life had been moving in circles for a while for her. She was the first I'd met who felt this way. Anyone else would take offense or feign blasphemy to criticism about this little eutopia. I was impressed by her gutts to take charge of life and seek new opportunity elsewhere. I think she wanted to hear herself speak so that the concept would feel more real. It didn't matter much what my comments were. You could see the hazey look in her eyes and her distant tone that her spirit was already leaving Sheboygan. She was a person in transition embarking on a journey on a hunch that she would find herself at her arrival destination. I wished her the best of luck profusely as we arrived at our destination. God only knows we are kindred spirits on this regard.
It's been a tough couple of years for our family with loved ones passing on and new ones born. We're still riding the highs and lows. Although my husband's career has been on the up, it also means that the work load has increased. The puritanical work ethic at this company is like something on steroids. There are times when I feel like a single parent. My friend jokingly dubbs us Kohler widows. Too bad I'm not on the company payroll for all the personal hours I've had to log in over the past six years. Please excuse my tone at this point. I've had a rough few days.
I am also a woman in transition right now with a plan to execute. I try not to cry over challenges and argue of its unfairness because then I'd be giving into defeat. I would feel deeper in a hole and be confined by self pitty. It takes the skill and fortitude I've developed over the course of my whole life to navigate solo around rocky shores. Wouldn't it be so easy to be sailing on someone else's ship? A bigger and better ship that would withstand all the little knocks and scrapes and turbulence? All I can do is pump my fist in the air and yell, "Screw you fate! You can't get the last of me." What else can I say?
It's been a rough week. We arrived home from a 23 hour car ride visiting family in Philadelphia. Hubby had to get up at 5am next morning to catch an overnight flight to Texas for business. In the last 24 hours, I've had to deal with 2 flat tires, the lower car plate falling off while driving on the highway, not having a ride to pick up my daughter from school, locking myself out of the house, not having my phone, the ever increasing expense of car repair, towing, and delayed pick up of our dogs. I'm on the verge of crying my heart out and probably should before my husband gets home. At the moment I am homeless and wasting time at the office. As the baby falls asleep on my chest, I look out the window at the overcast day. I'm going to really miss my tall window overlooking the tall wooded field outside. I wish I had spent more time here at my office by the woods. It will be sad to leave the quiet peacefulness.
It was strange to meet a local person from Sheboygan who felt trapped by this town. Life had been moving in circles for a while for her. She was the first I'd met who felt this way. Anyone else would take offense or feign blasphemy to criticism about this little eutopia. I was impressed by her gutts to take charge of life and seek new opportunity elsewhere. I think she wanted to hear herself speak so that the concept would feel more real. It didn't matter much what my comments were. You could see the hazey look in her eyes and her distant tone that her spirit was already leaving Sheboygan. She was a person in transition embarking on a journey on a hunch that she would find herself at her arrival destination. I wished her the best of luck profusely as we arrived at our destination. God only knows we are kindred spirits on this regard.
It's been a tough couple of years for our family with loved ones passing on and new ones born. We're still riding the highs and lows. Although my husband's career has been on the up, it also means that the work load has increased. The puritanical work ethic at this company is like something on steroids. There are times when I feel like a single parent. My friend jokingly dubbs us Kohler widows. Too bad I'm not on the company payroll for all the personal hours I've had to log in over the past six years. Please excuse my tone at this point. I've had a rough few days.
I am also a woman in transition right now with a plan to execute. I try not to cry over challenges and argue of its unfairness because then I'd be giving into defeat. I would feel deeper in a hole and be confined by self pitty. It takes the skill and fortitude I've developed over the course of my whole life to navigate solo around rocky shores. Wouldn't it be so easy to be sailing on someone else's ship? A bigger and better ship that would withstand all the little knocks and scrapes and turbulence? All I can do is pump my fist in the air and yell, "Screw you fate! You can't get the last of me." What else can I say?
It's been a rough week. We arrived home from a 23 hour car ride visiting family in Philadelphia. Hubby had to get up at 5am next morning to catch an overnight flight to Texas for business. In the last 24 hours, I've had to deal with 2 flat tires, the lower car plate falling off while driving on the highway, not having a ride to pick up my daughter from school, locking myself out of the house, not having my phone, the ever increasing expense of car repair, towing, and delayed pick up of our dogs. I'm on the verge of crying my heart out and probably should before my husband gets home. At the moment I am homeless and wasting time at the office. As the baby falls asleep on my chest, I look out the window at the overcast day. I'm going to really miss my tall window overlooking the tall wooded field outside. I wish I had spent more time here at my office by the woods. It will be sad to leave the quiet peacefulness.
Friday, April 13, 2012
A quiet moment in the back seat squished between two baby seats. A Stephany Plum book on CD is plugged in the radio. We're entering the Appalachian mountain range in west Virginia. It's a beautiful sight and you do feel like you're in another part of America. We debate getting off at a local exit. I've been exposed to many cultures but
Appalachia hill billy is new to me and an unknown element. We're late on the road to Phili. The kids have been amazingly great on this trip. The long drive from the back seat has given me a lot of time to think about things.
Spring is here now. Dad says that my business karma for spring should be good. Casey is now a little over six months with one budding tooth on the way. It's time to put this liTle one in regular daycare. Next week, I'll be moving to a new office location. A very interesting place sort of like a business incubator. I hope that it will work out.
The past year has been interesting in terms of people met and mystery solved. It seems I've lived here long enough now to be scratching the surface of the core of Sheboygan society. Since moving here over six years ago, I have seen a mysterious woman in town who would walk downtown with a baby stroller in plump boots and a melon sized knitted beanie over her rastfarian like head and dressed in early 2000 club clothes reminoscent of the first Jamariquia album. I would see her walking nearly every spring with a stroller in this crazy get out outfit. She is soooo not from Sheboygan but is she an au pair? I saw her once fussing over groceries with a man at a house from their SUV. He was so corporate in his slacks and plaid collar shirt. Countless times I've been tempted to stop my car on the side of the road to ask her who she was and what she's about. When I walked through Goodside groceries last month and saw her behind the clerk's counter, it was hard to contain the giddy excitement. I was about to solve my six year mystery. A customer commented about her hat. It was a hot day and no reason for a hat. "Do you have more than one layer of hats?". "Yes, I'm wearing six of them.". Hmmm. Silence. I don't get it myself. Casey was an icebreaker. The girl cooed over her and told me she has several kids herself. I pounced at the opportunity to confront her at this point. "Are you from here? I've seen you around and it seems your kids are very young. Do you baby sit?". No, the youngest is about two and oldest about five. She's from Minnesota but they have a house in chicago. They just fell in love with Sheboygan and the affordable homes. They don't work in Sheboygan either and she's not married to the guy. There was a look in her eyes when she said this much and I decided not to press further. Perhaps she is someone's mistress and this was her hide away. Maybe she's got a big poppa. Very interesting but mystery not fully solved. I don't think I want to know any more to preserve the intrigue.
Appalachia hill billy is new to me and an unknown element. We're late on the road to Phili. The kids have been amazingly great on this trip. The long drive from the back seat has given me a lot of time to think about things.
Spring is here now. Dad says that my business karma for spring should be good. Casey is now a little over six months with one budding tooth on the way. It's time to put this liTle one in regular daycare. Next week, I'll be moving to a new office location. A very interesting place sort of like a business incubator. I hope that it will work out.
The past year has been interesting in terms of people met and mystery solved. It seems I've lived here long enough now to be scratching the surface of the core of Sheboygan society. Since moving here over six years ago, I have seen a mysterious woman in town who would walk downtown with a baby stroller in plump boots and a melon sized knitted beanie over her rastfarian like head and dressed in early 2000 club clothes reminoscent of the first Jamariquia album. I would see her walking nearly every spring with a stroller in this crazy get out outfit. She is soooo not from Sheboygan but is she an au pair? I saw her once fussing over groceries with a man at a house from their SUV. He was so corporate in his slacks and plaid collar shirt. Countless times I've been tempted to stop my car on the side of the road to ask her who she was and what she's about. When I walked through Goodside groceries last month and saw her behind the clerk's counter, it was hard to contain the giddy excitement. I was about to solve my six year mystery. A customer commented about her hat. It was a hot day and no reason for a hat. "Do you have more than one layer of hats?". "Yes, I'm wearing six of them.". Hmmm. Silence. I don't get it myself. Casey was an icebreaker. The girl cooed over her and told me she has several kids herself. I pounced at the opportunity to confront her at this point. "Are you from here? I've seen you around and it seems your kids are very young. Do you baby sit?". No, the youngest is about two and oldest about five. She's from Minnesota but they have a house in chicago. They just fell in love with Sheboygan and the affordable homes. They don't work in Sheboygan either and she's not married to the guy. There was a look in her eyes when she said this much and I decided not to press further. Perhaps she is someone's mistress and this was her hide away. Maybe she's got a big poppa. Very interesting but mystery not fully solved. I don't think I want to know any more to preserve the intrigue.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
