Sunday, November 18, 2012
Love Story
It didn't start as a meeting between glances. Not one of those soulful recognition moments. It took a while to understand what the mind knew what the heart didn't. Maybe the other way around. The intrigue always beginning as a matter of the mind. We sat all night innocently sipping a bottle of wine, talking about the world before us like two newbies about to hit the surf on a warm summer's night. Decades ago. We were so fresh. Revelling in each other's prospects. The optimism was so intoxicating, I didn't want the night to end but enjoyed the taunting game. I was unavailable anyway. You were so patient. If i had known how you really felt, I may have felt slightly offended. But really, I get it. What divinity tied us together and kept us holding on all these years despite the roller coaster turns that's thrown us around? Thinking back far enough to the beginning, I recall a moment when we dared to be vulnerable, a touch that was slightly less than casual. The mental intrigue breaking through to chemical connection. A point of clarity that I could not live the next day of my life if you disappeared. The moment you took me in your arms and we became completely honest with each other. What fate had her hands in our lives, to believe that we had it in us to make this work? I don't know.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Simple Mechanics
I had an epiphany this weekend about marriage. All this time, I've been looking at it all wrong, swept up with emotional ups and downs. Confusion about expectations and goals. Treating my relationship like it's suppose to take me to a point of nirvana, a mind-spirit-body enlightenment. A tall order for my partner and probably likewise for myself. All this news lately about gas shortages up north from the hurricane and relationship journals talking about the emotional fill tanks brought about my epiphany that marriage and committed relationships is based on simpler components and goals. We have needs from each other. These needs seem so complex sometimes, but what remains is that these needs have to be filled....like a gas tank of a car. When we forget to fuel each other's tank, we run on empty and the fuemy grind breaks us down. When we are down, even if we don't want to, we should attempt to refuel each other with the emotional needs the other craves. If we are aware of each other's fuel levels and consistently fuel the tank, we can drive long and far into the sunset.
This brings me to the second part of my realization. Perhaps marriage isn't about trying to reach some point of spiritual enlightenment through each other. We aren't exactly two partners on a ship afloat midocean finding its way to safe shores. Rather, perhaps we are each other's vehicle, carrying our other partner on his or her own personal journey to fate's destination. Hopefully we are both on the same path and can take each other to where we want to be eventually. The vehicle you choose early on may later not be right for the journey. Or perhaps, through its own faults, may break down too soon and prevent you from reaching your own spiritual goals. Or perhaps, there's nothing wrong about your vehicle except your failure to maintain it over time and keep it in good repair for your own sake. Maybe, it's too fast and you don't know how to handle it's potential properly. Or perhaps, it's just a very good car who has been and will always be by your side, through all the broken moments and those shiney repaintings. Like my dad's old rusty corroded Toyota that he proudly dubbs his "corrosey". A 20 plus year old broken down car with still a very good engine on the inside that takes him reliably from point A to point B, a personification of himself. At a point where no one cares to look at this car, that the police is called to neighborhoods where this car happens to be parked, that theives are thwarted from its home when they see the dicrepid vehicle on my parent's driveway, the miles and acheivements that my father has shared with his corrosey have built an impenetrable marriage not even any new SUV could entice. I think that this is what marriage really boils down to in the end. Simple mechanics.
This brings me to the second part of my realization. Perhaps marriage isn't about trying to reach some point of spiritual enlightenment through each other. We aren't exactly two partners on a ship afloat midocean finding its way to safe shores. Rather, perhaps we are each other's vehicle, carrying our other partner on his or her own personal journey to fate's destination. Hopefully we are both on the same path and can take each other to where we want to be eventually. The vehicle you choose early on may later not be right for the journey. Or perhaps, through its own faults, may break down too soon and prevent you from reaching your own spiritual goals. Or perhaps, there's nothing wrong about your vehicle except your failure to maintain it over time and keep it in good repair for your own sake. Maybe, it's too fast and you don't know how to handle it's potential properly. Or perhaps, it's just a very good car who has been and will always be by your side, through all the broken moments and those shiney repaintings. Like my dad's old rusty corroded Toyota that he proudly dubbs his "corrosey". A 20 plus year old broken down car with still a very good engine on the inside that takes him reliably from point A to point B, a personification of himself. At a point where no one cares to look at this car, that the police is called to neighborhoods where this car happens to be parked, that theives are thwarted from its home when they see the dicrepid vehicle on my parent's driveway, the miles and acheivements that my father has shared with his corrosey have built an impenetrable marriage not even any new SUV could entice. I think that this is what marriage really boils down to in the end. Simple mechanics.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Dusk till dawn
The three of us girls shuffled into the car in the pending moments of dusk. Not yet 6pm but darkness was already surrounding us. Daddy's out of town for business. I had cobwebs in my brain and found myself driving around the south side of town finding my way to a place, any place that served a decent ribeye - medium rare over a Sheboygan hardroll. Marjele's had a 30 min wait...even on a Wed night!!! F**^&&!!! K suggested we head to Bill's. Well, somehow we ended up at the Mucky Duck.
From cobweb to cobweb, we entered the quiet solitude of Wednesday night restaurantuering Sheboygan style. The only customer was an old man eating soup hunched over in solitude. The rest composed of owner and staff by the bar whom, it turns out to be the parents of Ms. Melissa (K's teacher), who was there to greet us at the door with a giant warm hello and hug! I guess it was meant to be. We had the whole restaurant to ourselves, a 30 minute parent teacher conference, a seat by the window overlooking the night sky and the pier. Dim lighting was a balm to a long harsh day and the loneliness of dining without dad. (Clay's on business in Jersey). K even had an entire audience by the bar admiring her silliness.
I have become a regular of the Sheboygan ribeye sandwich. I've come to know enough people in town to know people at nearly every establishment I enter...people that I know from other
places originally. I have stories about every corner store, every corner restaurant, every restaurant owner, etc. The northside pier has a feeling of comfort to me like home. Tonight it really sunk in me spiritually that I have blended into this city. My heart is beginning to root in Sheboygan. I only wonder if fate feels the same way about it.
From cobweb to cobweb, we entered the quiet solitude of Wednesday night restaurantuering Sheboygan style. The only customer was an old man eating soup hunched over in solitude. The rest composed of owner and staff by the bar whom, it turns out to be the parents of Ms. Melissa (K's teacher), who was there to greet us at the door with a giant warm hello and hug! I guess it was meant to be. We had the whole restaurant to ourselves, a 30 minute parent teacher conference, a seat by the window overlooking the night sky and the pier. Dim lighting was a balm to a long harsh day and the loneliness of dining without dad. (Clay's on business in Jersey). K even had an entire audience by the bar admiring her silliness.
I have become a regular of the Sheboygan ribeye sandwich. I've come to know enough people in town to know people at nearly every establishment I enter...people that I know from other
places originally. I have stories about every corner store, every corner restaurant, every restaurant owner, etc. The northside pier has a feeling of comfort to me like home. Tonight it really sunk in me spiritually that I have blended into this city. My heart is beginning to root in Sheboygan. I only wonder if fate feels the same way about it.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Happy Birthday Happy Birthday
Today Casey turns 1 year old. A healthy rambunctious little tom boy who doesn't take no for an answer. Kaolin turned 4 years old two weeks earlier, a dainty princess going on 14. From a mild winter through an intense and glorious summer, this past year has been about reaching as far as we can go and experiencing good weather.
Five years ago, I had a plan. Quit my job, become a patent attorney, have a second baby, start my own practice, create and market a new invention. With a lot of luck, I have two of the most wonderful little girls in the world in my life. Every night when we prepare for bed, as I watch them roll around together, wrestling and laughing until they fall into quiet tranquility, it's hard to believe that not long ago, both each came out of me. They are little reflections of me, in all their faults and good qualities. Motherhood has become the center of my life. Lately I've wondered about my mother at this stage of her life and my impressions of her and my father's relationship at that time. There was an earlier moment when she seemed very content, energetic and happy. When we were still very young and were easy to control. But as our lives became more complicated, my parents taking on a failing restaurant business, both working two jobs every day, not seeing each other but for brief moments asleep in bed in the darkness between first and second shifts, my mother became more unhinged while my father became more quiet and reactive. As little ones, we really were aware and tried not to place too much emotional demands on our parents. In the asian culture, children generally shouldn't expect that anyway. However, reflecting on those years when my parents worked so hard and suffered so much over issues of finance, the memories were not happy. The memories of our family was not very happy. There were not many moments of joy and piece. I truly fear that side coming out of me.
Doing it on my own has posed many challenges. Trying to maximize time while avoiding the squeeze against the clock. I've decided to invest in a housekeeper, pay for laundry service once a month, eat out twice a week, hire a part time intern, buy an eliptical, etc. All this really helps in keeping my sanity. I know I need extra help when I feel the panic attack set on.
Lota and I are starting a business together. Selling two new products on Etsy. We may have to farm out the work sooner than later, but it has been very exciting. I am not afraid of the time commitment, but do worry that we can't handle it all on our own. We're putting ourselves to the test and seeing how our ideas pan out in the market. We call ourselves Two Wives. I owe every bit of this business to many afternoons sitting on my mother's bed next to her sewing machine, watching korean soap operas in the background while chatting with her about our daily lives in the foreground....my mother sewing away on consigned products and me sheering away at the extra pieces of strings for a cleaner final product. It had always been about two women from the start.
Five years ago, I had a plan. Quit my job, become a patent attorney, have a second baby, start my own practice, create and market a new invention. With a lot of luck, I have two of the most wonderful little girls in the world in my life. Every night when we prepare for bed, as I watch them roll around together, wrestling and laughing until they fall into quiet tranquility, it's hard to believe that not long ago, both each came out of me. They are little reflections of me, in all their faults and good qualities. Motherhood has become the center of my life. Lately I've wondered about my mother at this stage of her life and my impressions of her and my father's relationship at that time. There was an earlier moment when she seemed very content, energetic and happy. When we were still very young and were easy to control. But as our lives became more complicated, my parents taking on a failing restaurant business, both working two jobs every day, not seeing each other but for brief moments asleep in bed in the darkness between first and second shifts, my mother became more unhinged while my father became more quiet and reactive. As little ones, we really were aware and tried not to place too much emotional demands on our parents. In the asian culture, children generally shouldn't expect that anyway. However, reflecting on those years when my parents worked so hard and suffered so much over issues of finance, the memories were not happy. The memories of our family was not very happy. There were not many moments of joy and piece. I truly fear that side coming out of me.
Doing it on my own has posed many challenges. Trying to maximize time while avoiding the squeeze against the clock. I've decided to invest in a housekeeper, pay for laundry service once a month, eat out twice a week, hire a part time intern, buy an eliptical, etc. All this really helps in keeping my sanity. I know I need extra help when I feel the panic attack set on.
Lota and I are starting a business together. Selling two new products on Etsy. We may have to farm out the work sooner than later, but it has been very exciting. I am not afraid of the time commitment, but do worry that we can't handle it all on our own. We're putting ourselves to the test and seeing how our ideas pan out in the market. We call ourselves Two Wives. I owe every bit of this business to many afternoons sitting on my mother's bed next to her sewing machine, watching korean soap operas in the background while chatting with her about our daily lives in the foreground....my mother sewing away on consigned products and me sheering away at the extra pieces of strings for a cleaner final product. It had always been about two women from the start.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Real Housewife
When the movie, "Motherhood" came out on video, I anxiously plugged it in, PJs on and bottle of wine ready for the moment. The moment that Hollywood and the world tells my story, my life. I wanted to laugh and cry and say, "See! I told you so! I'm not crazy. Enough moms go through this, that's why they've made a movie about it."
Well, it didn't turn out that way. Uma Thurman, already stick thin like she hadn't eaten in two years, just looked like a crazy woman wilderbeast as she pretended to mimick a mom of several children fumbling over car seats, strollers, etc. She was always on the brink of disaster which is really unfair to hard working moms who are always a few steps above this. The movie tried to capture the realities of motherhood but it failed to capture the real heart of it. In truth, motherhood is more about women who are always just a few steps behind perfection and feeling so guilty and lost by this.
Often lately, I've been feeling like time is slipping away. Like I had stopped at a train track 10 years ago and gotten on the wrong train, leaving beauty behind. To those on the outside, it looks like a lot of self pity. But for those on the inside, its a survival hunt for the silver lining. For me, I just want a return to my earlier sense of self. Driving to Walmart this past weekend, two kids in the back seat, the radio on, no other place to be but a desire to get out of the house, nothing else more exciting in a town but weekend congregations at Walmart, Beth Orton takes over on the radio and I slip into the late 90's, under a different skin for the duration of the song, feeling music, art, exploration and creativity, qualities that I thought had defined me back then.
Well, it didn't turn out that way. Uma Thurman, already stick thin like she hadn't eaten in two years, just looked like a crazy woman wilderbeast as she pretended to mimick a mom of several children fumbling over car seats, strollers, etc. She was always on the brink of disaster which is really unfair to hard working moms who are always a few steps above this. The movie tried to capture the realities of motherhood but it failed to capture the real heart of it. In truth, motherhood is more about women who are always just a few steps behind perfection and feeling so guilty and lost by this.
Often lately, I've been feeling like time is slipping away. Like I had stopped at a train track 10 years ago and gotten on the wrong train, leaving beauty behind. To those on the outside, it looks like a lot of self pity. But for those on the inside, its a survival hunt for the silver lining. For me, I just want a return to my earlier sense of self. Driving to Walmart this past weekend, two kids in the back seat, the radio on, no other place to be but a desire to get out of the house, nothing else more exciting in a town but weekend congregations at Walmart, Beth Orton takes over on the radio and I slip into the late 90's, under a different skin for the duration of the song, feeling music, art, exploration and creativity, qualities that I thought had defined me back then.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I Put My New Shoes On and Everything's Gonna Be Alright
It's beautiful outside and here I am with self imposed imprisonment inside this tiny hotel room in downtown Chicago. I'd promised Kbear that I'd search heaven and earth endlessly for the perfect package of blue pretend food that you'd have to tear the edge off to release a powder substance that would have to be mixed with water in order to feed her hungry needy babies. They really need it. It's only 6:30 and I haven't even spied one NATO protestor in two days of walking back and forth from my conference to my hotel. There is this feeling of having my tail between my legs today that keeps me from being more adventurous this evening. It started this morning when I missed the 7am alarm and didn't have enough time to wash my hair. It's partly from my over expanded breasts badly in need of a good pump. Pumping helps relieve pressure and avoid embarrassing glances from men who have no concept of nursing mothers. Perhaps there is a tiny bit to do with today's questionable wardrobe choices. I've also been really dissappointed with the quality of the local food and am afraid of further disappointment if I decide to go on a culinary hunt for good pastry tonight. Mostly, there is this feeling of not fitting in. Having lived in Sheboygan for now going 7 years, I've become Sheboyganized. There is this inner desire for things that are small, more local, affordable, within reach. And yet, I reject that same sentiment from my core constantly. Even now. I'm so confused. Perhaps it's better just to make a decision at this point and stick with it. It's 6:38 p.m. Gonna put on my walking shoes.
Friday, May 11, 2012
There are two fortune cookie quotes messily stuck to my lap top base. One says, "Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see the stream," the other says, "In dreams and in life, nothing is impossible." They are daily reminders to me that the bet was worth taking. I'm still breathing so the bet's still on the table.
I should be researching right now, or reading training material, or prepping advertisements. Maybe even some light mindless prototyping work. But overnight, the weather has gone from 62 to 74 and it's not yet noon on Friday. I want to find and outdoor pool to swim in, jog a couple of miles with my dogs, find a shade under a friendly beer garden. I want to play hookie for the day and have beer o'clock with my husband. At least one of these things I hope to do so that the beautiful weather would not be wasted.
At the moment, time feels like it is on a rare moment of good balance. So I perch myself on top of hill's edge, drink in the fresh air, feel the vibration of life sink in because there is not much to think about. My heart is filled with love for the day, love for my daughters, love for my husband and love for good feng shui at my new office.
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