Who? What?

What is a perfectionist? Is it someone who desires to control every detail of their environment and life? That's an impossible task. Is it someone who makes an art of controlling uncontrollable chaos? With a lot of compromise to the little details that may matter. Lately I've been looking at myself in the mirror, feeling half proud about my recent weight loss but also a little depressed about the bags under my eyes. I look completely worn out and aged. From emotionally draining stress, from defiency of fun, from lack of good shopping and poorly fit clothing. Which hits me when I meet moms my age or a little older around town who look completely gorgeous, glossy lipped, flawlessly made up skin, shiny perfectly sculpted hair, soft tender hands, awesome intelligent personality, super stylish...I wonder what amount of energy and time it takes to look that way and keep looking so perfectly that way. I know that image is an important part of the business I'm in I have to look "put together". But with everything that takes up my time and day, it's a tall order. Waking up at 7am to get babies ready for the day, heading to the office with infant in tow, all the work I have to do to get my business ready for launch, heading home every day at 4pm to cook dinner, picking up my preschooler at 5:30 pm, feeding family, cleaning dishes, bathing babies, cleaning house and/or laundry, caring for dogs, finding time to shower, putting my preschooler to bed, nursing the baby throughout the day. I'm usually not done till around 11:30p.m. - 12:30a.m. at best. I'd be lucky to have just 15 minutes in the evening to sit down over a quiet glass of wine. I feel lately that I've just been managing chaos, juggling insanity. I feel like it's been like this for a while. I've become the grey grid line on a grid sheet supporting the drawings on it.

Darle a la luce.

The Italians have a saying, "Darle A La Luce." "To Give To the Light." My second daughter was born October 1, 2011. Welcome to the world Casey Quynh Garrels. We are blessed to have you in our lives.

Today my daughter turns 3. I can't believe how time flies. She is no longer a baby but is a self declared big girl. Just last year exactly to date, I posted on my facebook page the following comment, "My baby turns two today! Two year accomplishments: sleep in own bed, drink from a cup, count from 1 -10, recall letters a-z, learned all the colors, recognize half the shapes, switched over to pull ups, and completely potty trained herself. Siggghhhh. I don't think she needs me anymore. 8(" This year's accomplishments, "count into the 20's, add and subtract, recognize letters and write the word 'Mom', draw actual characters, sleep on time and in own bed, watch an entire movie at the movie theater, and have full on silly adult conversations."

She's amazing. What lucky parents we are. In the back of mind are the dark fears of those early teenage years. Dear God, I hope we all skate by them quickly with few shallow scars. For now, I'm holding her tightly to my chest and squeezing out every possible lovable kiss and hug I can get like a chintzy novice gamer playing Mario Brothers for the bean counting pleasure of it. I may not be blessed with money, but my family is amazing and I have to thank God every day.

This second little one is also about to arrive soon too. Hopefully not today because I can't imagine splitting the difference between a Dora themed birthday party and a Hannah Montana birthday party. It would just never work out. I am a bit scared anticipating the pain, the labor and the possibility of things going wrong again. I've drafted a will, am in the process of adding more money to my life insurance policy, and will be preparing my power of attorney tonight.

My mother told me that in the old culture, a baby will bring a certain karma to the child's family. If it's good, then it's very good. This past year, everything seemed to have happenned all together with the pregnancy. The business has been going well and has proven itself to me. Even if no profit has been made, I am excited over the fact that I've had consistent clientelle period. My reputation has been good in the area of patent law so far. I'm building value through advertisement at this point and we'll see how the next year will be for us. Meanwhile, I had a product idea which looks very promising and it seems that we are closer to realizing something very interesting than may be apparent. Clay is also on a similar track and I'm crossing fingers and toes and hair now. Oh gosh, the imaginary finish line in my mind all this time was to get to this point by the time the baby arrives. The next marker would be the beginning of next year. We'll see how it all goes. Meanwhile, I'll live on hugs and kisses.

it's really hard being a mother. particularly for the first time. trying to get every bit of detail right. and you wish that you had the kind support of your partner sometimes, even if they are participating more from the sidelines. i don't ask for very much in my day or my life. typically, i do my work with natural inner passion for doing things well and getting things done. but a kind word or an encouraging, 'job well done' really tells me that there is a witness out there to my hard work and that i am doing the right things in life. which is why when you get the opposite reaction to what you believe to be good work, it just makes you wonder about the point of your own existence.

i have been working hard the past year to get my daughter to sleep by 9pm. at first, her sleep schedule mirrored ours and it was all over the map. mostly after 11pm and many times by midnight. she also would not sleep in her crib and had to be coddled in our bedroom. a nightmare which i could not figure out how to remedy. as she became more of a toddler and could communicate better, we slowly got into a routine of sleeping by 10:30pm. it seems like we've been sleeping by 10:30 pm for a while, but only recently has she gotten to expect it, ask for it, and would consistently fall asleep on the clock. i have acheived to get her biological clock on a time schedule. tonight, a milestone in my eyes, she fell asleep exactly at 10:30pm and in her own room for the first time. what all went into making this happen? rearranging her bedroom entirely to include a new big girl bed that would fit me in it. that way, i would be laying down with her comfortably and singing her to sleep. it also involved the fact that i'm now switched back to working part time so that i can afford to start cooking dinner at 4pm, feed her by 5pm, bath her by 7:30 pm and start her bedtime routine by 8:30pm. In the past, when i worked full time, i would start cooking until 6pm, feeding her by 7pm, skip the bathing many times, and then start trying to chase down her nervous energy by 9:30pm to which I usually succeeded inconsistently between 10:30 to 11pm.

getting bed time right is hard on another level. from the moment i wake at 7:30 am until the moment i sit down to eat my dinner at 6:30 pm, i am either caring for the baby, the dogs, my husband, the house or my own business. i am also currently 8 months pregnant. the only moments when i am able to relax and enjoy myself, or at least that i would like to, is around 9pm when my favorite t.v. shows are on. i sacrifice so much of my time throughout my entire day for my family, business and home that when 9pm rolls around, it is really hard for me to give up that possible moment of self indulgence. i suppose i could give up my 9pm show also and start the bedtime process an hour earlier for my daughter. perhaps she'd be asleep by 9:30 pm or 10pm. at some point, i will have to get there. but i am alone in this process. i am sacrificing my time all day and it is a very soulfully taxing job. i wish sometimes that i could switch off, take a break, and let someone else take over a couple of nights a week. and since it doesn't work that way, primarily since my daughter prefers me in running the sleep process, i wish that i had more positive words of encouragement each time i reach little milestones in our objective of getting to that 9pm mark. it's an accomplishment for both my daughter and i. in the level of sacrifice i have to make in my day, in my work, in my effort and disclipline, to get to this point. i've peeled yet another layer of skin off my onion peel life to get closer to the point of yes. someone, please just do me a favor and say thankyou for the fact that i even bothered to peel another layer off. throw away that extra work hour. throw away that extra t.v. hour. throw away that extra couch hour. and if you don't agree that falling asleep consistently by 10:30 in her own bed is not good enough, at least lie about it for the sake of a hard working, tired pregnant wife who's managed to create an otherwise perfect life for everyone.

It's been a cool summer this year. Some would say that summer never arrived and that we're already in the midst of fall. The belly is growing with no name yet to agree on but I had my first dream of this chubby spirited little girl in dancing clothes stealing mommy's make-up and attention. Kaolin has reached a new milestone in her life, now attending a new more advanced preschool. This morning, she fulfills her daddy's dream and takes her fishing rod out for a first throw of the reel into a local pond. I see a father-daughter tradition in the works reminiscent of "A River Runs Through It".

The transition to the new school was harder than I expected, with mixed emotions flying from both Kaolin and myself. It's a school now, not much a kumbaya daycare environment. There is little coddling involved, which tears me up inside knowing how much she's missing the hugs and kisses of Ms. Claudette and Ms. Vickey. We've attempted to heal the morning separation wounds with ice cream at the end of each day. We talk about the scariness of the new environment, the difference between her old and new teachers, and about being brave. As I cross each day off on my mental calender, with lots of prayers that it gets better for her, she amazingly pulls through and now seems to begin the adjustment. What a brave example for her mommy, who was ready to pull her out of the new school entirely from the torture of her first week's misery. I am so proud of my little girl. You see the strength grow in her from overcoming the toughest challenge in her little life so far. At home, she has become noticeably more independent, responsive and responsible. If all goes well as I hope, then perhaps I can pat myself on the back for being a good mommy afterall.

Work has also been an epiphany in my life as well. I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that I am now working for myself and will possibly never answer to another person again. The distance I travel in my own career will be directly reflective of my own effort and skill. It's such a different route, one which I had always anticipated but only after I'd done the traditional work for another person. Doing it so early makes me feel a little like a rogue warrior. Or like a dog who's been let off the leash, having to direct itself for the first time on its own instinct and experience. I have been very fortunate these past few months with regular customer calls without having even advertised yet. It's hard to shoot far when you're expecting a child in less than 4 months. For a while, I felt paralyzed standing in the middle of a crossroad. Family and health versus business. Though I'm still struggling with the inner instinct of hitting the ball hard, I'm intentionally lobbing soft ones right now. Enough to sustain the game until next year. The anticipation game is stressful half the time. But I am grateful for my good fortune, the regular clientelle, and the ability to take it easy with my family during the better part of the season.

Much Needed Vacation

As the belly grows, my desire to work at the office wanes. It's an aweful irony how much I wanted the office to get started and now I just want to focus on one thing at a time...the pregnancy first. My daily goals are distracted by weather, daycare issues, and simply feeling blaahhh all the time. The constriction of my tight pre-pregnancy pants is making me wonder if my baby will be born with a belt line around her forehead. But there's not enough time or money to go shopping for ugly maternity clothes. How do professional women maintain their professional look during pregnancy? I leave the house looking like I've just undergone shock therapy each morning. Our family needs a vacation badly. Clay's leaving to Shanghai for nearly 2 weeks this coming Friday. Though it will be intense work, he'll be having a lot of fun and it will be the needed vacation get-a-way he's been needing. My parents will be in town the week that he's gone. Perhaps I should turn it into a mini-vacation for Kaolin and I too. My brain is clogged from winter cob-webs. In dire need of sunshine and fun.

Globalizing Sheboygan

It's strange to me how much our town has evolved over the past two to three years. Just this past month, the first sushi restaurant since the history of man-kind in Sheboygan County appeared on our doorsteps. There was a lot of talk, and many curious visitors, but in the end, I think it only got a luke warm reception. Not so much because it served raw fish. God knows how many modern blooded Americans live in Sheboygan to sustain the one and only sushi restaurant within a 60 mile radius. Sadly, it's to do with the poor business judgment of the owner in his choice of staff, his choice of not changing the decor since the last 2 failed owners, etc. We arrived at this restaurant two weeks ago and were reminded by its past failures. It was hard to sustain my appetite with the surrounding tacky decor. Wrinkly heavy-blanket looking kimono in the back of the restaurant with a price tag. In fact, every piece of decor (including the bathroom decoration) has a price tag on it. The owner must have contracted with the antique dealer next door to decorate for free in exchange for free advertisement. What a terrible business idea. I felt practically insulted in every way for all Japanese in the world and sushi lovers over the low quality cleanliness of this restaurant, the tackiness of service, and the manner of preparation of food. So sad. My friend Gaelle is already counting down the days of its closing. I try to be optimistic, but who can be optimistic these days when a Festival Food Market is openning down the street from us this fall.

Festival Foods, bigger and better than Wholefoods possibly. With a full on sushi bar and a free daycare service while you shop. WTH!? Are we really ready for it? Our neighbors just recently bought their headstones last month. I wonder if they should have held off for a little longer with all the exciting change that's taking place in this town. Gaelle just posted yesterday that they're even openning an Ulta Make-up Salon next to Target this fall. This is the big rival to Sephora, serious luxury. By next year, Sheboygan women will have absolutely no excuse to walk out their doors frumpy and without make up.

There have been some recent modern additions to Sheboygan over the past year that have received a great deal of skeptism, like the Bed Bath and Beyond and the Starbucks. I recall the openning week of Bed Bath and Beyond, a man commented that he could easily make his own knife block in his own garage for cheaper. We live in a blue collar factory town surrounded by farms. Despite the odds against Bed Bath Beyond, they are still standing with their heads held high while their sister stores in California are closing left and right. Meanwhile, Starbucks have multiplied like a virus in Sheboygan. People from even further outlying counties will drive near an hour to shop at the shops in Sheboygan County. Shops they've only heard of through television advertisements but are yet to see in the flesh. Like a few of my contemporaries here in Sheboygan who will drive for over an hour for the quality shops and the Olive Garden in Appleton County. This is Wisconsin for you. We are a pearl necklace of small towns strung loosely together by a few country roads and highways. How a railway transit system would change the economy of this state entirely.

While contemplating the souls who brave entrepreneuralship in Sheboygan County, I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of my business grand openning this week. The next two years are looking much brighter than even I could have predicted. 8)

The belly's growing bigger and my pants are becoming tighter week by week. Nearly two week has gone by since I made the conscious decision to work part time and honestly, it has really made the difference. I feel in greater control over my day. It's been a healthy challenge to find greater efficiency in my work day. In fact, the challenge of squeezing a 3/4 time work schedule in a 1/2 time schedule has even been fun. It's also clear to everyone at work and at home that I keep a fixed office schedule of 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. so I don't need to answer to anyone's questions anymore. It makes economical sense at this stage. I get the rest I direly need for my second and third trimester. My conscience is much clearer.

Interestingly, business is starting to pick up for me too. I have two projects that I am currently working on now. One of my own and the other for the Greenbay Office...both to do with patents. I am amazed at how my plans are falling into place. Even though I am preparing for the side business of estate planning, it is starting to look like patents could be a full time gig for me. And it feels so right. After all these years of slugging it through, testing all the waters, reading all the signs, stearing clear of the red flags, I feel like my ship is coming close to shore.

It has become hard to determine which is the best part of my day now. Dropping Kaolin off at school, knowing that her tummy is full of food, that she is well rested and seeing her waive good bye to me finally without a single tear but only with the intent readiness for the day in her eyes....or sitting down at my desk fully rested with a clear mind and with an intent readiness for the day in my heart.

Winter's seedlings.

Last night I had a dream that Brian Adams fell deeply in love with me and would send me regular love letters filled with poems and lyrics. In my dream, I was his muse and inspiration and my letters to him were equally beautiful in a more literary way. I wish I could remember the words in the letters exchanged. I just remember how beautifully written and creative they were. I miss something in my life. A romantic kind of beauty. An inspirational kind of energy. Or just beauty. Once again, I have allowed myself to run down to below empty with my mundane routines. Chores, baby, work and the empty breeze. I don't even know what kind of beauty I'm looking for anymore or if it's something I want to work for anyway. Perhaps for once, I just want it to come to me. The weather has been terrible and relentless. Although we have our nascent vegetable and herb garden sprouting by the windowsill in our bedroom, I am ready for the ground in our backyard to ease up and soften under spring's failed promise warmth. I wonder if something as simple as running my fingers through the dirt, transplanting my seedlings to new bedding, and nursing my garden to full blossom is the spiritual healing I need. As of today, winter has won. Even on its way out, it is snubbing its nose at me with a long tail of cold air. I am glad for the longer days and sunlight but don't even feel like openning the door to brave one nerve-filled sting on my skin. These last few weeks, I will become a hermit, under my blanket in my quiet bedroom immobilized until summer's warmth can coax me out of solace.

The year of my burn out.

Today feels the beginning of the day of my burn out. The sun has finally shown its face after a week of being beaten by winter's last stance. Emotionally, I feel shameful as the sun, as beaten by the weather, and as numb as the barely noticeable spring. The "burn out" is now my new excuse, my new phrase for what I've been feeling lately. A month ago, I called it morning sickness. A week ago I called it depression. Two days ago, I called it "reorganizing". What I cannot allow myself to accept is the simple fact that I am pregnant and tired. Owning a business has turned out a bit more challenging than I expected. Perhaps this is the first lesson of entrepreneuralship I am destined to learn. My preconceived notions is that the business entity should be a no brainer. That it should run as an independent machine where you are the tinkerer. What I never even imagined to account for was the 'me' component. A solo business is composed of the business and the business owner. That means, my personal life will affect my business decisions. My business is not sheltered from my physical, mental and emotional state at any time at all. It sounds like a weakness to me. A set back. A virus to an otherwise elegant perfect machine. That is where I am at and have been making up names to cover up the reality that I am slowing my business down. That is the core of my aweful sense of guilt over the past two months. Let's rephrase, I am slowing myself down. Rephrase again, I am slowing down. Question, am I allowed to slow down ever...in a guiltless way? Who's going to give me permission to do so? Who's going to judge me and who ultimately matters in the judging process? I have been making excuses to everyone I encounter, as though asking for their apology and their permission. The person who matters most, my inner psychie, my mother's inner voice inside my brain, says, "you are losing, you are failing." Even when I speak with my mother in our real life conversation, our dialogue sounds near identical to my inner monologue. A series of attempts to make excuses to justify my desire to do nothing for a month or two. I think I need to think about all this some more. Or maybe just make up my mind and say, "Damn it. I am pregnant. This is my baby. This is my business. This is my life. And I am going to take it easy and work part time from now until next year when the baby is born. This is my plan. I am going to enjoy my life for now because this is the best thing for me now."

Thinking out loud.

I wonder how normal it is for a new business owner to feel a bit lost the first year of their start-up. My set up is very simple and straight forward. Yet, it's been difficult to pull the trigger on anything for the past few months due to the fact that I only have half my usual level of energy due to this pregnancy. I want to advertise but fear the possibility of more than one client at a time. I want to work 8 to 9 hours a day but can only pull off 5 or 6. I want to put Kaolin in daycare half time immediately to save money but I can't predict whether I'll be able to obtain a few more patent firm contracts like the one I've been able to establish in Greenbay. Ofcourse, I want to start sending out a wave of contacts around the region or country but haven't had the energy to get past filing my taxes even. The obvious choice here is to file my taxes, send out a wave of contacts and hope to establish at least 2 to 3 more independent contract jobs. If I start getting business coming in starting May, then Kaolin continues with school part time. If by May, it's still as dead as it is now, then she'll be in school part time. I only wish that I could switch her to part time immediately tomorrow since I'm not even working full time anyway and am so worn out all the time. Perhaps I should gather my gutts up out from under my disoriented bowels and do half time with her now and see how things go. It could easily be like this all the way through August (a 50/50 chance of it) or it could get busier but most likely in May or June. I guess that's the better idea then. To go at it backwards. I still can't figure out how to advertise. I really want to get out of the litigation game altogether now and focus on patent law if I can possibly do so. Perhaps some estate planning part of the time to fill the gap. I just don't know when would be the right time to revise my website and change my webpage online. Maybe I really should keep it as a general practice online right now while doing contract work behind the scene according to my original plan and aim for next February as the date when I launch my more specialized business. I am so antsy for it to begin now, it's really hard to wait that long. Maybe the more realistic goal would be for me to have everything set up by August of this year so that I won't have to fuss with it all too much once the baby is born and the few months afterwards. This leaves me with 5 months to train myself in greater detail in the arts of patent prosecution and estate planning, find someone who will create my website for me for a reasonable price, figure out how I want my website to look and the contents within, get up to 5-6 independent contracts set up with patent firms round the country for next year or at least get a comprehensive contact list and start making initial contacts with more professional advertisement, and save enough cash to afford two babies in daycare come October through January. I think that I can do this all on a part time basis over the next 5 months.

Smelling the Flowers

They say to be careful what you wish for because you may just get everything you ask. From the perspective an ant, I've been taking each day's challenge since passing the patent bar the best that I can. Holding on to a twig and watching my step against gail force wind. After the exam in November, I gave myself a little break. Not really. The insane law suit I was handling was wrapping itself up with nasty ugly written closing arguments between opposing counsel and I. The case had been unbelievable, with more drama between me and the other lawyer than between the clients themselves. I blame the other lawyer for his terrible sense of unprofessionalism and not being able to control his inner jerk.

Christmas was a good reprieve. Not really either. Clay insisted that I take my ovulation pills while visiting so the first week of the trip consisted of a very hormonal me at teary odds with my poor mother. But then things eased off when Clay arrived. We finally had the nice mini-winter vacation in a summery place we deserved. Trips to the beach and playing in the sand. Warm evenings walking through the Irvine Spectrum mall with baby in tow. Kaolin watching her first Disney movie with candy and popcorn. Tasty happy hour specials at the Yardhouse restaurant. Interesting exploration of West Coast foodie culture at the Whole Foods in Tustin. A happy Christmas dinner at home with perfectly executed rack of lamb. Guiltless because we were also getting in a good workout at the local Bally's Fitness. And ofcourse, managed to squeeze in a couple of baby making days at a nearby La Quinta. I have been sad since leaving California. Not so much the people, but everything else. The food, restaurants, shops, scenary, entertainment options, my family, the weather, the beach, etc. These days my life has become much more simplified. People play smaller roles in my life by consequence. There is just the scenary and me and our shared experiences. I prefer a wider landscape with a palate of brighter colors to paint with. Not too much to ask for, right?

Clay and I discussed our future. Will we remain in Sheboygan 5 years from now? Will he continue to pursue his career at the current location if the option were there? Big questions at the big 5 year anniversary marker. No matter what the answer to question #2 would be, the answer to question #1 was a definite no for me and a mostly no for him. He teased me of the possibility that Kaolin would grow to love this town and never want to leave, eventually becoming the first woman mayor of Sheboygan County. I nearly had a panic attack over it. His jokes are always half serious. That's why he thinks he's so funny. Because he thinks being ironical is funny. Which only puts me on edge and on warning when he attempts any bad joke. Although he may be ready to buy his gravestone at the cemetary plot 5 blocks away from our neighborhood, I am ready for a change of scenary. Our family will be growing soon enough and we will need a bigger space. In another year or two, the housing market will improve. The hope is to be able to move south, at a minimum closer to Milwaukee.

January came and went and we discovered that we were expecting baby #2. The experience this time around has been so different from the first. The morning sickness has been terrible. I've been more lethargic than ever. Ready to sack out at 3pm every afternoon. I know that it shouldn't be such a mystery why I'm so much more tired. I now have a grown toddler to watch after on top of all other responsibilities. I prep her for school in the morning and care for her after school is over in the evening. I cook, clean, do laundry, care for the dogs half the time, care for husband and baby. On top of this, I openned a small office downtown in February. Doubled up with daily vomiting at 3-5 times frequency, carpel tunnel and constipation misery, I was just dead. What made it all worse was the anxiety of the health of the baby and whether we were having only just one, considering the level of sickness I was experiencing. The guilt of not being able to make it through the day at the office, not being able to get Kaolin to school on time in the mornings, the guilt of not being the super pregnant mom who works a full time shift and cares for the home and family with no complaint because she's blue collar and has no luxery of an option to sleep in. It really got the best of me and by my 12th week 2nd visit at the doctor's, I was in an aweful state of depression.

To my surprise, I felt the weight of a piano lifted from my shoulders upon introduction to our little baby through the ultrasound. Okay, so this is for real and I am pregnant and we are having one child and so far, it is very healthy and active. Half my worries were put to rest immediately that one day. The effect of relief was near immediate. I left my doctor's office still feeling worried but no longer anxious. The morning sickness and carpel tunnel had also just magically lifted by the 12th week leaving little more than bad constipation and acid reflux. I am not as tired as before, though still finding it a challenge to keep energized and focused for the whole week straight. My doctors have been telling me to take it easy during my pregnancy but it's been tough wrestling with my inner professional guilt. I have been raised to work like a machine my whole life. Never to waste an opportunity or a moment's time, except unless only necessary. The thought of working part-time when I am just starting up my own business, paying for full time daycare while using only 3/4 quarters of the service, seems so frivolous that I have a hard time looking my daycare provider and my office mates in the eye.

However, wasn't it the overworking that could have lead to the preecemplsia with the first baby. That almost killed me? I was working 2 jobs the first trimester, then going full swing into full time (plus) during my second trimster, and then full time plus preparation for the Illinois bar exam in my third trimester. When I gave birth to Kaolin, it was like the last leg of a long drawn out marathon that I was determined to cross first. It only landed me back in the hospital the week after with fluids in my lungs and blood pressure that should have killed me.

This time around, I'm going to do things differently and will 'try' not to feel so guilty about it. Afterall, I am my own boss. In truth, I will never allow myself to become too slack for too long anyway. Plus, I can't take on too many cases at this point if I'm to take maternity between August through January anyhow. This year is all about investing in the business and training myself in the art of the practice that I will be focused on next year. I've been calling it a "loss" but my counselor calls it an "investment". Okay, so let's reconsider the language I'm using. I won't be making money this year but the investment of time, market research and study I put into it this year will pay back double next year when I advertise full force. More importantly, I have been given the most amazing gift of all. The gift of time and financial peace of mind. This small window of time is maybe God's way of giving me a little vacation and opportunity to rest before the shit hits the fan next year. It's like the calm cool water on the other side of the break wave. I just need to be more zen about things, take it easy, go with the flow, not force myself into any particular paradigm, and focus on smelling flowers when there's nothing else to do but smell flowers.